Movie Review: Love Aaj Kal

A MANGO MOVIE.

While in college, one of my friends fell in love with a classmate. They went around for a few months and broke up. She later dated another mutual friend and my friend meanwhile, married and now has a child. Love Aaj Kal is like that.

Well, not exactly like that. But what I mean is that this movie doesn’t feel like a movie. It is like listening to a friend’s tale of love and loss. In other words a normal love story.

A simple story. Simply told. Or to paraphrase Saif, its an aam film. A Mango film.

The problem however is that the director’s previous 2 films were Socha Naa Tha (which is both, one of the best and yet also one of the most underrated love stories) and Jab We Met (which I don’t need to mention about).

With 2 such movies preceding it, the expectations from Love Aaj Kal was always going to be sky high and it is here that this movie disappoints.

Its not bad. Not at all. Infact when compared to recent releases like Luck and Kambakth Ishq, its pretty damn brilliant. But the problem is that you don’t compare it to those movies. You go in ready to expect another Jab We Met. And this is when it becomes a disappointment.

Saif and Deepika play modern lovers in London and who are moving to Delhi and San Francisco respectively, and who decide that long distance relationships don’t work and decide to break up amicably instead.

He then meets some crazy Swiss chick while she meets Rahul Khanna and both of them ‘feel in love’ but obviously not like it was with each other.

How they re-discover their love makes up the movie.

Running parallel to this is Rishi Kapoor telling his story and this is the best part of the movie.

In many ways this movie is also about the difference between old love and new love.
How old love was more about values while new love is more about sex.

How old love was about adulation while new love is all about copulation.

I don’t know about you, but for me the most memorable scene from this movie was of a young girl walking past her admirer with a cup of tea for him, hidden under her dupatta.

Am I old fashioned??? Dunno.

Of the actors Rishi Kapoor is reliable as usual and there is a great cameo by Neetu Singh but the lead pair are opposites.

Deepika CANNOT act. Period.

She can rock a great smile and the dimples always help but act she cannot. Maybe this is why the movie falters emotionally. You never actually feel for her character Meera.

For me, Meera was just a crazy, mean and selfish bitch.

Now remember Geet from Jab We Met. See the difference? Gottit?

Most love stories are usually the same with just a few variations in between. So to make them really memorable you need great actors so that they can make you relate to the usually tepid stories. Here, Deepika is the weakest link. Where’s Bebo when you need her?

A few years back Saif won the National Award for Hum Tum and while a few eyebrows were raised, its generally accepted now that he is a good actor. Here he brings both youthful exuberance and resultant heartache to his role and infact in one stunning scene, both at the same time.

In a classic example of “What I Mean Is I Love You - No Actually I Don’t - Yes I Do”, he is talking to Deepika during her wedding and he brings so many emotions to the scene that I am already looking forward to him going face to face with Bebo in the forthcoming Qurbaan (directed by Rensil D’Silva who wrote Rang De Basanti).

So is this movie worth watching?
Definitely. Its Good but nothing to rave about.

Or let me put it this way.
Its like a Mango. A nice, good, juicy mango but definitely not an Alphonso.

Till Next Time and another movie (probably Kaminey)

Love

Vish

British Witticisms

"WIT IS THE SALT OF CONVERSATION, NOT THE FOOD"
-William Hazlitt

Now this small bit of news is about the famed British Wit.

The first name that comes to mind automatically is Sir Winston Churchill who was once told by a angry (and allegedly not-so-good-looking) Lady Nancy Astor:
“Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea.”
“Nancy,” he replied “if I were your husband, I'd drink it.”

Or when accused of being drunk by the MP Bessie Braddock he is said to have replied: "Yes Madam, I am drunk and you are Ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning."

Now take the famous poet/playwright Oscar Wilde who said this (and correctly so) of women:
“As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.”

Even tragedy didn’t diminish his ability for mirth. Paying a condolence visit to an acquaintance he said,

“To lose one parent, Mr Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”

But he was also cleverly self deprecating; “I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying."

Even as he lay dying, penniless in a French hotel, he looked around at the dingy room and said: “The curtains are so ugly. Either they go or I do.” Those were his final words.

The comedian Spike Milligan, was one step better, when he had engraved on his tombstone the epitaph

"I told you I was ill".

Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, never afraid of stirring up controversy, once famously said

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… That's what gets you."

Former prime minister Margaret Thatcher, more renowned for her steely personality than her humour too had her moments. She once quipped:

"Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't."

Brevity, as someone once said, is the soul of wit and the best comebacks and one liners are the shortest ones.

Now Dame Judi Dench who plays M in the Bond flicks has added another classic to that repertoire of British wit.

The Guardian reports that last week Dame Judi Dench was crossing a road in London on her way to rehearsal for a new project when she was almost run down by a speeding taxi.

The taxi driver (again in true British tradition) put his head out the window and shouted,

“You stupid c**t!.”

Judi's fast reply-

“That's Dame C**t to you!”

How can you NOT love her!

Amen.

Have lovely weekend.

Luv

Vish

Sexual Sausage AD Offends Parents

ITS A MAD AD WORLD

an old ad for Porsche

Reuters is reporting that a saucy radio advert for sausages which encouraged listeners to reveal "where you like to stick yours" was criticized by Britain's advertising watchdog on Wednesday.

The ads for Mattesons smoked sausages elicited complaints from listeners who said they were offensive because of the sexual innuendo and should not have been aired when children were likely to be listening.

The first ad promisingly begins with a male voice saying "Mmm, Mattesons smoked pork sausage..." and it continues "Think about all the things you can stick this tasty, extraordinarily large sausage in. Mmm. Pizza, pasta, stir fry. You have any ideas? Give me a call and tell me where you like to stick it. Ladies, I'm waiting for your call ... Mmm, Mattesons smoked pork sausage. You want it."

The three follow-up ads featured women who'd rung in (allegedly) to offer their suggestions as to where to stick the extraordinarily large sausage.

The same male voice continues in the follow-up ad: "'You've all been telling me where you like to stick it. This was one of my favourites'. A female voice then comes on saying: 'I'm renowned for my big sausage hot pot. People are always calling by for a bit and my husband Roger loves it.' The male voice then continues: 'Roger that Fiona. Ladies, keep telling me where you like to stick yours... Mmm, Mattesons smoked pork sausage. You want it.'"

Kerry Foods, which makes the sausages, said its adverts were intended to be tongue-in-cheek and were not designed to be offensive.

The Advertising Standards Authority did not uphold the complaints about the innuendo because it was not sexually explicit, but said the ads could "cause harm to children."

It ruled the ads should not be aired at times when they were likely to be heard by children

a stunningly effective ad for Language Courses

I don’t know about you but as far as I know, children now-a-days are far more mature and knowledgeable about the birds & bees to be ‘harmed’ by such ads.

The very young will not get it at all and frankly if your child is able to get the innuendo in “stick it in you” & "my big sausage hot pot" then this ad should be the least of your worries.

Education not Censorship is what’s required.

And really, can there ever be an ad for something like a sausage that is not innuendo laced? Without any phallic symbolism and jokes? Imagined or otherwise?

The newspapers meanwhile are having a field day though with headlines like "Watchdog Bites Sausage Ad" and "AD Authority Tells Mattesons Where To Stick It" and my personal favourite...
"UK AD Watchdog Puts A Boner In The Works"

Now should children be allowed to read such papers?

Your Thoughts???

Till Next Time

Luv

Vish

Woman Turns Robber Into Sex -Slave

IS THAT A HAIRDRYER IN YOUR POCKET

.......

OR ARE YOU JUST GLAD TO SEE ME.

Maybe it’s a quiet day at the news desks coz here’s what came up.

I don’t even know where to begin with this news about an attempted robbery at a hairdressing salon in the Russian town of Meshchovsk which became a four-day sex ordeal for the would-be criminal, leaving him with an injured penis and a Viagra hangover. (I did not even know tehre was anything like a Viagra hangover)

This is what happened. The man, identified only as Viktor, tried to rob a 28-year-old hairdresser called Olga. (Viktor & Olga? Talk about stereotypes.)

Anyway, Olga agreed to hand over her takings, but as she was giving him the money, she used her karate skills to knock him to the ground and tie him up with a hairdryer cord.

She then locked Viktor in the storeroom and told colleagues she would call the police.

Instead, Olga then stripped the would-be robber and handcuffed him to a heater with a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs. She then fed him Viagra (how??) and raped him several times over the next four days. We have no confirmation of how Olga’s colleagues did not notice anything for four full days and ther is no mention if Viktor was just handcuffed or also gagged.

When he was finally 'released', Viktor went first to hospital for treatment for his torn frenulum (which Wikipedia, helpfully informs us, is the tissue that connects the foreskin under the head of the penis), and then reported Olga to the police.

When she was arrested, Olga in turn, reported him for robbery.

"What an ungrateful bastard!" said an indignant Olga. "Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I've bought him new jeans, gave him food, and even gave him 1,000 roubles when he left."

Viktor meanwhile confessed to the police that indeed, she HAD fed him well.

The case is still ongoing…..

And meanwhile, for all I know, more sex starved robbers may be making a beeline to Olga’s parlour to attempt more 'robberies'.

Should Olga be convicted or freed?

What do you feel?

Think about it

Ciao

Vishal

I'M LOSING MY SANITY...GET ME OUT OF HERE

On Sony TV, every night at 10, Mon-Fri, comes a program called Iss Jungle Se Mujhe Bachao which is the Indian version of “I’m A Celebrity....Get Me Out Of Here”




When the promos first came out, I wasn’t the least bit interested in watching some C-Grade so-called-celebs survive in the Jungles of Malaysia.

However after catching one episode I am now hooked.

And I don’t know why.

Hosted by Mini & Yudi this show has 10 “celebs” (and I use the word celeb very lightly here) who are confined to a jungle in Malaysia with just 2 pairs of clothes and have to survive in there with just the basics. They have to wash, cook, clean everything themselves and where the bathrooms are open and communal.

The celebs are seriously C-Grade.

1) Marc Robinson: An ex model who once famously two timed Manisha Koirala & Aishwarya Rai.

2) Akash Deep Saigal: An ‘actor’ who is best known for being Farah Khan’s volatile ex-boy friend. Has serious megalomania issues.

3) Palak: An ex MTV Roadie who was so bitchy on that show that she now allegedly has her own hate group on facebook. And going by her antics on this show, she’ll soon have a few more.

4) Anaida: A failed ex-singer whose spoken Hindi makes Sonia Gandhi seem like a Pro. “These clothes are practically see-through” she complained, conveniently forgetting her own semi nude ‘costumes’ from her music video days.

5) Shweta Tiwari: The ex-wife of a wife-beater who calls herself the ‘desh-ki-bahu’ but who according to Palak, has apparently been wearing ‘bras & chaddis’ in Bhojpuri films. Major bitch fight waiting to happen.

6) Chetan Hansraj: I’m not sure if he is an ex-actor or an ex-bodybuilder but his claim to fame seems to be that he is BIG. Not that Miss Palak is impressed.

While peeping from between branches at him taking a shower “Imagine being pinned under that huge man,” she says in mock disgust “I would die.”

The lust in her eyes however, say otherwise.

7) Mona Wasu. I have no idea who she is, but like a certain Ms. Zinta, she detests being called bubbly. To each her own but if that’s what she wants, it would help if she did not style her hair in girly pigtails everyday.

8) Aman Verma: An actor, wannabe politician and an-ex con who once was notoriously caught in a sting camera operation trying to test the casting couch. Ouch.

9) Ishq Bector: Apparently a rapper but I’ve never seen or heard of him before this. And not surprisingly, he was also the first to be voted out. He also did seem to love massaging the guys (just the guys) while he was there so maybe a missed opportunity of an evolving scandal for SONY TV there.

10) Fiza. Now she’s a handful. Originally named Anuradha Bali, she had an affair with Mohammed Chand, a much married Deputy Chief Minister of Haryana. She converted to Islam and became Fiza. He left his family and position in government. They eloped and went underground for about 1 month. A massive man hunt ensued (which by the way i dont understand becoz they were both consenting adults). They suddenly surfaced and married in a press conference. A month later he said he made a mistake, uttered the 3 magic words ‘Talak, Talak, Talak’ and left her and went back to his wife. He did not get the deputy chief ministership back. She re-converted back to Hinduism. A few days later he said he still loved Fiza and she re-re-converted to Islam. Fiza then broke up with him again and joined this show. Wow!

Why did she need to join this show? Wasn’t her life a reality show anyway?

Anyway during the show one contestant every day has to go for a challenge and earn food for the rest of the cast who otherwise have to survive on Rice & Soyabeans.

Many of you who haven’t caught this show may be wondering why I’m hooked to it and to be frank I personally don’t know either.

I admit its BAD. Really BAD. And yet you cant take your eyes off it.

Maybe its like that terrible car crash you sometimes see on the road. You know its bad and very, very sad but you cant take your eyes of it.

During one of the episodes, Shweta Tiwari had a near breakdown when the organizers forgot to send some salt with the food.

“I want salt. I want salt. I want salt. I want salt. I want S-A-L-T.” she screamed hysterically.

I have so many other things to do and watch but I just can’t seem to get this show out of my head.

Maybe I should just shout “Iss Show Se Mujhe Bachao"


What Say You?

Till Next time.

Love

Vish

Memory Test

TO BE OR NOT TO SEE

Hi Guys,

You know how i love to share interesting finds with you.

Yesterday on the BBC website i found this great test (see link below) that checks your memory.

You will first be shown 2 sets of 16 photos each. After that you will get to see 48 photos where you have to remember if they are the ones you saw before nor not.

Pretty east and very accurate.

Great Fun also.

Enjoy

Luv

Vish

Click on this link to begin: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/tmt/instructions_1.shtml

Twilight Movie Review

CHILLAX....AFTERALL SEX IS ALL IN THE MIND.

TWILIGHT

I hate to make sweeping generalisations, and more so about a whole nationality, but anyone who’s ever dated a Filipino will tell you that among the many things they teach you (spending money being one of them) the most important is that sex is always about the foreplay rather than just the whole wham-bam thing. The prime focus is given to 'anticipation' rather than just 'copulation'.

And if you think a little, you will also probably agree that a promise of what’s to come is far more appealing than what happened last night.

If you know this to be true then you will absolutely love Twilight.
How ever if you go in looking for a gore fest then you will be greatly disappointed.

This is NOT a horror film.
Yes there are Vampires and Humans but when Edward the Vampire tells Bella his Prey;

"I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore” I am guessing the overwhelming feeling is more of passion than fear.

The movie is above all a great love story. Like the type they used to make during the glory days of Hollywood where Passion & Love were more important than Lust & Sex. When abstinence was far sexier than sex itself.

“You really should stay away from me” he says in a classic example of when NO means YES.

In the old classic, Casablanca, Bogart & Bergman sway as the song “A Kiss is Just a Kiss” plays in the back. However here, a kiss is never just a kiss.
It could possibly lead to Edward losing self control and devouring Bella fully (metaphor anyone?).

“You are like my own personal brand of heroin” says Edward to Bella perfectly capturing the abundance of teen lust wrapped in just that hint of the forbidden fruit metaphor.

Its like if Adam was the Serpent and Eve his temptation.

The special effects are bad (you’ll see better in TV series) and the action is almost comical in its amateurishness but what works is the central and all consuming love between the lead pair.

I remember reading long ago that most high school kids in the US lose their virginity during prom night.

In Twilight, at the final prom when the two dance slowly in a strangely deserted gazebo (where did all the other school kids go), Bella bends her head back, exposes her nubile virgin (in more ways than one) neck and tells Edward to take a bite. He leans in, then stops just short of the act and gently kisses her neck instead. He doesn’t bite. Not Yet.

There are 3 more sequels for that anyway.

In a way, isn’t this what great Foreplay is all about?
Enjoying all the ecstasy of longing without going all the way.
Not Right Away Anyway.

In fact isn’t that what Love is all about?
A Great Love, that is, not just Infatuation.

So how’s that for a Metaphor.

However don’t take TWILIGHT too seriously.

At the beginning of the movie one of the characters (the asian {but of course} nerd) used a word I hadn’t heard before.

Chillax, he says, meaning (I presume) to both Chill & Relax.
It’s a good word to remember while watching this movie.

Chillax!

TIll next time and another movie

Luv

Vish

Airplane Noise Of A Different Kind

THE MILE HIGH CHATTER CLUB

I was reading one of the many supplements that come with the newspapers etc here over the weekend and a small article caught my eye and made me wonder why no one has raised this topic before.

The incessant chatter in the airplanes.

And surprisingly enough, this time I’m not referring to the passengers.

I’m talking about the crew chatter.

With the new travel restrictions and having to arrive 3 hours before flights, its bad enough having to wait in the lounge listening to the departure schedule of almost 30-40 flights before yours gets announced.

However once I get to the plane I hope for some well deserved rest.

But now-a-days that’s difficult to find.

Now some things, I agree, are important, like the safety instructions, which themselves could be made a little LESS boring like with Air New Zealand (see previous post). But after that you only need to try and get some rest when almost every 15 minutes you are bombarded with useless info.

And even with head phones on, every announcement is broadcast live into your ear.

So you could be taking a nap with some instrumental music and you will suddenly have a chatty Captain in your ear, telling you to look out the right window to see Afganistan.

Now this uncalled for ‘travel advisory’ will not only disturb your nap but will also frustrate you coz you are in the middle of the middle row and there is no way you can possibly look out the right window and what’s more, now you can't go back to sleep either..

There should be a way of turning it optional.

“Ladies & Gentlemen, in a few moments we will begin serving dinner.”

Now when a couple of stewardesses arrive in front of you with a trolley between them and a food tray in their hands, you can pretty much guess its dinner without having it beamed into your ear some 30 minutes beforehand.

“Ladies & Gentlemen, the Captain has switched off the seat-belt sign.”

Now why would you need to be told that? Isn’t the bright blinking sign above your head and the loud ‘ting’ sound enough?

“Ladies & Gentlemen, We have just landed at London’s Heathrow Airport.”

'O My God! Somebody Turn This Thing Around. I Thought I Was Going To Manila not London'.

Does that happen? Do you NOT know where you are going?

With the new and huge airports everywhere (incl New Delhi’s IGI) it takes a minimum of 20-30 minutes more after you land to taxi to some area and disembark and when you are on a long flight that 30 minutes can be really restful.

“Ladies & Gentlemen, Thank you for flying with us and we look forward to having you on one of our flights again.”

I will. I will. I will.

Just promise to shut up.

Is that too much to ask?

Luv

Vish

Dear All

We have a 3 day weekend here this time so while I frolic around in Dubai here’s something from the archives. This was posted back in 2007.

Hope you like it.

Luv

Vish

KHOYA FRICKIN CHAND

Hi. Me again.

I just remembered something and thought i'd share it with you.

As i mentioned earlier, the movies here in UAE are released with both Arabic and English sub-titles. (Some English movies even have French ones so you can imagine how much 'fun' it is to watch a movie with half the screen filled with scrawlings)

Anyway I went to watch Khoya Khoya Chand the other day with some friends. Initially we were distracted and that distraction quickly turned to surprise and shock as we began to read the sub-titles. From what I understand, the sub-titles should be explaining the scene while trying to remain as close to the spoken word as possible. In this case the person doing the sub-titles must have been very angry on the day he sat typing.

The characters would be saying dialogues like, "Batameez, tum apne aap ko kya samajte ho?" while the translation would read "Fucking Bastard, who the fuck do you think you are ?".

Even benign ones like "Naa, tum yeh film nahi kar payoge" became "No, you are not fucking fit to do this fucking film"

After a couple of the F words flashed across the screen, I thought i'd count how many and began but quickly gave up when i reached 18. And we were barely 30 min into the movie.

Granted that the movie is about loss, pain, despair etc but none of the characters seemed angry enough to warrant such liberal interpretations of their dialogues.

Does anyone check them before they are released? Just wondering....

And speaking of sub-titles, when they try to sub-title the songs, well sometimes it can be quite hilarious too...

I can't quite get it as yet.


In Jab We Met, a sad song is playing in the background as Kareena gets ditched by her boyfriend. They translate the full song hilariously and if that was not enough, at the end of the song there is a passage when the singer is singing the raagas. Pa Ni Sa Re Ga Ga Ma... Ni Ni Re Ga Pa and so on....

I looked down, and what do you know??? The english sub-title read Do Do Re Fa Fa Me... Re So So La La Ti

Unintentionally distracting and funny.

Now I can't read Arabic but I managed to see that it's version of the sub-title too was keeping up.

I wonder what is Do Re Me Fa in Arabic ?

Eating Bambi

BAMBI JERKY


Recently my nephew brought back some delicacies from Sydney and one of them was the Kangaroo Jerky. I love my meat and even though the jerky can be a little bland and a tad too sweet for our asian tastes I don’t mind nibbling on it once in a while.

One afternoon as I sat before the TV, chewing on the jerky, I happened to look at the packaging and got a most enlightening update.

Maybe, even more than I’d have liked. Especially from my food.

There in bold lettering at the bottom was the sentence, and I quote here;

“The meat contained herein is for personal use only and not for sale. It is derived from animals that received post-mortem veterinary inspection and were found to be healthy in every way.”

Now first of all I don’t understand the ‘personal use and not for sale’ part but honestly I am more queasy about eating something that has had some kind of post-mortem performed on it.

I know it’s a perfectly scientific thing to do but I’ve always associated that word with death and murder. Of Humans I may add.

Like any other person, I like my food to be healthy but do I need the gory details?

IIIIIIII don’t think so.

As someone said, “If you ever see how a sausage gets made, you’ll probably never eat it.”

The packaging also has other info on it like the fact that the “Kangaroos were sourced from the Australian government’s overseas program” and that its scientific name is ‘Macropus Rufus’.

Overseas program? Where were the kangaroos sourced from? Some call centre in Bangalore?

And Rufus?

Do we really have to name our food?

It’s like eating Bambi.

Diff Bhabhi's for Diff Folks

www.vishalsubba.blogspot.com/

The Bhabhi Is Dead! Long Live The Bhabhi!

For more than a year, she had been the defining image of voyeurism in India. But now, after being under fire, and she is finally ‘dead’.

Launched in March 2008, Savita Bhabhi "a regular Indian woman who just can't get enough sex" was an instant hit with Indian netizens, attracting 60 million visitors each month (that should tell you something about the suppressed Indian male and his libido).

Now one of the most visited Indian website has been banned by the Department of Telecommunication, for promoting obscenity.

The developers of the website had launched a "Save Savita" movement on the Internet, asking fans to file RTI pleas, seeking a reply from the government as to why only dear Savita was being "targeted" when hundreds of other such websites go unchecked. Support had already started pouring in. Fans were posting links to alternative sites from where Savita Bhabhi could be accessed.

However now, the Bhabhi is finally being closed down for the most ironical reason.

The developer was identified as a certain Mr. Deshmukh and apparently the public outing has caused ‘grave personal and moral harm’ to both him and his family (who apparently weren’t aware of their son’s very active imagination). So now, on the insistance of his family (which probably included a very horrified bhabhi) the site is being taken down and discontinued.

However what is more interesting is the immense popularity of Savita among the million other porn websites.

It’s not even Real for heaven's sake, its a Cartoon.

But the USP is that the protagonist, Savita is an amalgamation of every K-Serial bhabhi you can imagine.

She wears sarees and salwars not mini’s. She’s usually pottering about the house doing domestic chores and like the dutiful indian bride, she always has 'sindoor' in her head.

What is more is that she does not discriminate in her choice of partners. She’ll seduce anyone, from her hubby’s friends to the milkman to the friendly neighbourhood boys. Lets say she believes in both 'fair' and 'fore' play.

In short she's your quintessential Indian Woman.

So what does it mean? Are Indians turned on by ‘doing it’ to a virtuous epitome of Indian womanhood rather than some slutty American wannabe?

Or is this what they imagine every housewife to be doing while the hubby's go off to work (or to other's wives)?

Something to think about na?

And now on to a totally unconnected topic (seriously).

The Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh Mayawati or Behenji as she likes to be called has gone on a statue installing spree all over U.P.

Now statues aren’t that uncommon in India but the amazing thing is that Behenji’s statues have a rather unusual accessory.

A Handbag!

I don’t know about you, but this is the first time I’ve seen a statue with a handbag.

I personally cant figure out the reason behind this. Maybe she’s trying to connect with her followers by portraying a more homely image.

You know, like say, a kind Bhabhi.

Just between us.

Till next time.

Love

Vish

You've Seen The Police, Now Check Out SEX ACADEMY

NOW CLIMAX WITH A - "A-HA"

Berlin "sex academy" offers tips for visitors

(This is from Reuters. Seriously.)

Wannabe (and lets not under-stress the word Wannabe here) Latin (and other) lovers can improve their technique by playing with the erogenous zones of naked mannequins at a new interactive exhibition that has now opened in Berlin.

The "Amora Sex Academy" (nice name) that opened in Berlin on Thursday welcomes visitors with the wry slogan,
"Finally -- an exhibition for those who always have to touch everything." (Spot On)

More than 50 interactive displays guide visitors through the intimate areas of the male and female bodies, offering helpful tips on everything from striptease to oral sex and how to achieve a perfect orgasm.

"A lot of couples come in here together to learn something," said Uta Barkow, the manager of the Beate Uhse sex chain (what else) which is hosting the academy. "It's been very well received so far (No Kidding). A lot of exhibits have that 'aha' effect on a lot of people."

The show features several life-sized plastic models, naked and in various positions.

One female mannequin light ups when touched in the right spot and a voice shrieks "That's it!" when the visitor manages to put his finger on the elusive G-spot.

(Ofcourse if you dont like the shrieking during sex, then this will show you where not to put your finger)

Next to it is what the museum called its "Spank-O-Meter." It measures the level of pleasure a mannequin receives when spanked with a leather whip. (Its probably best to check with your partner before replicating this at home though)

"So far we've had just as many women in here as men," Barkow said. "Women coming in tend to have fewer inhibitions while the men tend to be a bit more embarrassed." (I wonder why that is?)

The museum also shows film clips of various sexual positions, including the "Italian Chandelier" that the viewer learns can burn up to 920 calories per hour. (Now THAT'S an exercise)

Founded by Frenchman (who else but the French) Johan Rizki, the sex academy opened in London earlier this year and is also due to come to Barcelona.

Would you check it out if it came to your city?
And would you go “A-HA” ?

Think About It.

Luv

Vish

Music Review

LOVE AAJ KAL VS KAMINEY

LOVE AAJ KAL

Dir: Imtiaz Ali

Music: Pritam

Lyrics: Irshad Kamil

As some wise ass said, Pritam's albums should come with a statutory warning:

Could be of Korean origins, check before you applaud.

Well wit aside, this is a pretty good album.

1. Twist: 4 stars

Take the evergreen 'snake-music' (yes, yes the same tana nana one that makes all Bollywood snakes (and Sridevi) begin dancing) and put in into a disco and you have this crazy but infectious song, sung with the right amount of pep by Neeraj Shridhar (from Bombay Vikings). It is bhangra mixed with classic bollywood and topped with rap.

How can you go wrong with that? This will probably be in discos in India for the next 1 year.

2. Ye Dooriyan: 2 stars
A bittersweet song by Mohit Chauhan but definitely not his best. Not bad but entirely forgettable.

3. Chor Bazari: 4 stars
This one is already tearing up the charts and why not. Chor Bazari conjures up images of stolen love and market fairs and the promos (currently on air) make it look even better.

4. Main Kya Hun:1 star.
KK (by the way what is his name anyway) tries his best but this is another forgettable song. Maybe how its picturized will help.

5. Aahun Aahun: 5 stars
Aahun is a typical Punjabi word which probably means nothing but just expresses something. This song practically explodes with the trademark Punjabi joie de vivre. Begins slow and then by the time you’ve come to the Aahun Aahun refrain there is nothing you can do to stop tapping your feet. And frankly, can you say Aahun Aahun about 10 times and not smile? That word is practically fun inducing. Its an insane song but freakishly catchy.

6. Aaj Din Chadheya: 4 ½ stars
Rahat Fateh Ali Khan is the perfect choice for the next one, a beautiful guitar-driven song of ‘loue’ and all its emotions. The lyrics however are a tad too cheesy.
"Sada Rahe Sultanat Teri”.....

Sultanat??? During Aaj Kal ?? Huh??

TOTAL : 6 songs 20 ½ stars (Average 3.4)

KAMINEY

Dir: Vishal Bhardwaj

Music: Vishal Bhardwaj

Lyrics: Gulzar

For any lover of good cinema (good, not big budgeted) a Vishal Bhardwaj film is always something to look forward to. Maqbool, Omkara, The Blue Umbrella… the list is endless. The best part is that he scores his own music and to top it all, the lyrics are by his mentor Gulzar. I should say Academy Award Winner Gulzar.

1. Dhan Te Nan (as in the Pink Panther theme) : 5 stars
This insanely catchy tune is like dynamite. It starts off with the guitar tune and then it goes on to become an original bollywood masterpiece. Sung by Sukhwinder Singh and Vishal Dadlani (of music duo Vishal-Shekhar) this is pure magic. Hear it once and you will be humming Dhan Te Nan every where you go. And what lyrics! It goes from the very ‘now’ to ‘sublime’. Cities floating under your feet….Life as a one way street...... khabrey and kabrey (news and graves) ahh only Gulzar can do that.

Koi chaal aisi chalo yaar ab ke samundar bhi pul par challey,

Phir tu challey usspe, yaa main chaloon, shehar ho apne pairon talley.

Kayi khabrey hain,

Kayi kabrey hain,

Jo bhi soye hai kabron mein unko jagaanaa nahin!

and

Aaja ki One Way Hai

Yeh Zindagi ki Gali

Ek hi Chance hai
Aage Hawa hi Hawa hai

Agar saans hai to

Yeh Romance hai

2. Pehli Baar Mohabbat: 5 stars.
Mohit Chauhan (who’s fast becoming the go-to-guy for ballads) sings this ballad which has very strong rock overtones to it. And Gulzar makes even the everyday sound romantic. Listen to Mohit sing about lovers sitting under a peepal tree eating berries already made ‘jhootha’ by squirrels. Isn’t Love in the simple things?

“Tanhai ne fursat di hai…” he sings, “pehli baar mohabbat ki hai”

Magic!

3. Raat Ke Dhai Baje: 3 stars
This is actually a continuation of Pehli Baar but made more folksy and with a lot more singers. Maybe it’ll work in the movie.

4. Fatak: 3 stars
When was the last time you heard a song with a whip-lash in it? This song also speaks about AIDS but thankfully does so without preaching.

5. Kaminey: 5 stars
And this brings us to the best of the lot. Kaminey.
Vishal sings this himself and trust Gulzar to come with poetry, even when given words like Kaminey.

Surprisingly this is not a fast song as the word would imply. Instead its languid and unhurried and beautifully so.

Kabhi zindagi se maangaa

Pinjare mein chaand laa do

Kabhi laalten de ke

Kaha aasmaan pe taango

Meri aarzoo kameenee

Mere khwaab bhi kaminey

Ek dil se dosti thi

Yeh hazoor bhi kaminey

TOTAL : 5 songs 21 stars (Average 4.2)

So which one should you BUY?

Who are we kidding, you kaminey's will probably download the songs so what the hell, download both....

Its worth it.

Happy Listening

Luv

Vish

Toilet Lyrics

MASOOM SA KABOOTAR

NAACHAA TOH MOR NIKLAA.


Over the weekend, I was just lazing around at home flipping through channels as usual, when I came a cross a re-run of an old movie Aitbaar starring Raj Babbar, Dimple etc.

This is a remake of Hitchcock’s Dial M For Murder and since I’ve always been a fan of murder mysteries I continued watching.

The flick itself is ok but this is not what I am blogging about today.

The movie has some beautiful songs like 'Kisi Nazar Ko Tera' & 'Aawaz Di Hai' etc but somewhere towards the end there is a senseless song called 'Khali Peeli Pyar Se'.

I have never been more appalled by such nonsensical lyrics.

Its about some girl asking her lover to get her different things (as most women in love are wont to do) but the last line of each verse has an unnecessary and totally uncalled for abuse directed at the poor guy’s mother.

Sample (and this is JUST a sample):

Thanedaar Ghar Me Kuaan Khudaa (Darling Dig Me A Well)
Main Bhi Nahaaoongi (I Will Bathe)
Tu Bhi Nahayega (You Will Also Bathe)
Pani Bharigi Teri Maa (And The Water Will Be Drawn By Your Mother)

Or

Thanedaar Laa De Mujhe Ganna (Darling get me some sugarcane)
Main Bhi Choosongi (I will suck)
Tu Bhi Choosega (You will also Suck)
Chilka Choosegi Teri Maa (And Your Mother Will Suck The Peel)

How did such nonsense get past the censors?

Honestly I don’t know what is worse, the shockingly blatant innuendo suggesting fellatio or dragging the poor mother into it.

And frankly what is the point of it? Hopefully not Humour.


Now all trends in Bollywood usually come back again. Bell Bottoms, Oversized Glasses etc and this song too saw its comeback in a Govinda-Karisma Kapoor movie.

This time the couple is singing about walking along the road, having paani-poori, doing mundane things and suddenly BAM comes the line, ‘Why Should I Care If Your Granny Is Dead’

Readers of a certain vintage will have guessed the song: “Teri Naani Mari Toh Mai Kya Karoon”.

And all this when someone like Gulzar is milking sheer poetry from a most unlikely word: Kaminey.

P.S. The soundtrack to Kaminey (Shahid-Priyanka and directed by the guy who brought you Omkara etc) is one of the best so far this year. Buy or Download it as soon as possible.

Sample:

Kyaa kare zindagi

Issko hum jo miley

Isski jaan khaa gaye

Raat din ke giley

Meri aarzoo kameenee

Mere khwaab bhi kaminey

Ek dil se dosti thi

Yeh hazoor bhi kaminey

Jis kaa bhi chehra cheelaa

Andar se aur niklaa

Maasoom saa kabootar

Naachaa toh mor niklaa

Kabhi hum kaminey nikle

Kabhi doosre kaminey

Have a nice day Kaminey’s

Luv

Vish

Preggers in/by the Pool

IMMACULATE CONCEPTION ANYONE?

A woman is suing an Egyptian hotel claiming her daughter got pregnant from swimming in their pool.

SERIOUSLY!??!!??



Now I know those little guys are known to be pretty good swimmers, but let's get serious.

PREGNANT?

The mother returned home with her daughter after visiting the hotel on vacation, when her 13 year old ‘announced’ that she was pregnant.

The mother Magdalena Kwiatkowska, ofcourse, thought 'logically' and came to the most obvious conclusion and what is more, she actually believes that the teenager was sperminated while swimming in the hotel's "mixed pool."

What the hell is a "mixed pool"? Which century is she living in?
And why did she let her daughter get into a 'mixed pool'?


A source confirms that the mother is "adamant that her daughter didn't meet any boys while she was there" and she fully intends to go ahead with her case to seek compensation from the hotel.

First of all I can understand people peeing but who jerks-off in a pool?
And even if you wanted to, how would you do it with all the people there.

I would love to see this girl though.

My own guess is that she went for a taste of some Egyptian ‘falafel’ in a little midnight rendezvous while Mommy dearest went to bed dreaming of fairies and gnomes and other such 'real' creatures.

The hotel manager refused to comment saying he’s already written to the mother ‘politely’ explaining the hotel’s stand.

What Stand? And how do you explain something like that ‘politely’?


And knowing how things usually work, very soon some crazy nutcase is going to start selling "swimming condoms."

That’ll be the day.

Swim Carefully.

Luv

Vish

P.S. The woman is Polish. No reason. Just thought I’d mention that

P.P.S. And one more thought, Could someone ask the mother how SHE got pregnant 13 years ago? Maybe she has another 'story' to tell. Could be interesting.

MJ Memorial Review

Michael Jackson lived his life in the full glare of publicity and left in the same way.

After his private service, a fleet of Rolls Royce’s & black Range Rovers came in a convoy to LA’s Staples Center where a galaxy of stars (mostly black) were waiting. Quite unsure of what to expect, many in the audience audibly gasped when his casket was wheeled in.

The service (or was it a concert? Or a political event?) operated on several levels at once. Its two hours of music and eulogies made for many poignant and even wrenching moments yet its incongruities adding up to the only reasonable response to an artistic giant whose meanings were always multiple and often contradictory.

Mariah Carey & Trey Lorenz: I'll Be There

In the very first verse Carey -- in a black, glittery dress cut down to near her waist and sooooooo NOT fit for a funeral -- made it clear that this would be a more restrained, elegant rendition of the song. Singing through the emotions, Carey was at a near-gasp in the song's opening moments. Infact i thought she had lost her voice. Lorenz, in fact, showed off more vocal dynamics than Carey. But a more subtle Carey is always a more graceful one.

Carey infact began in a tiny voice, as if to honor the boy Michael. However when Carey found that Lorenz was almost bowling her over, she turned her voice up a notch to match her singing partner (“Never Challenge A Diva”was the message). Lorenz sang Michael's name in falsetto, and Carey added "Never Can Say Goodbye..."

Very tasteful.

Queen Latifah & Maya Angelou

Queen Latifah then came to give a heartfelt speech and just as she reached the best she was saddled with a long, rambling and pretty unimpressive ‘poem’ by Maya Angelou. Maybe that’s why Maya herself did not attend. Her poetry was lame.

Lionel Richie: "Jesus is Love"

Richie's performance shortly after Mariah made it clear that this would not be just a tribute concert. Backed by a slowly rising choir, Richie's strong vocals provided an uplifting take on the song, one powerful enough for a Sunday morning mass.

'Jesus, he won't let you down,' sang Richie, gesticulating aggressively heavenward. This was the mood initially at the memorial, more church, less club.

Jennifer Hudson: "Will You Be There."

The knockout Oscar winner took on Jackson's 1991 single, transforming it into a rousing, feel-good anthem. But it worked perfectly and that's largely due to the strength of Hudson as a vocalist who can reach for the stars as well as any singer. (Take that Beyonce) Things drifted a bit toward Bollywood-like drama at the end, as Hudson stepped back to make way for Jackson's recorded vocals even as back-up dancers danced in a weird circle around her.

It isn't the most well-known of Jackson's songs, but Hudson's heartfelt rendition was one of the event's most moving musical tribute.

Hudson lost her mother, brother and nephew in a tragic shooting last year, and her emotionally charged performance -- in spite of the distracting dancers around her -- was as stirring as it was soulful. Beautiful.

Kobe Bryant & Magic Johnson:

While others eulogized Jackson's musical legacy, his influential dance moves or his charitable contributions to society, Magic Johnson spotlighted the King of Pop's weakness for greasy fast food chicken. During a dinner meeting at Jackson's house, Johnson requested a grilled chicken from the chef. But while Magic got the specially prepared chicken, Jackson got a bucket of KFC.

"Wait a minute," Johnson interrupted.

"'Michael, you eat Kentucky Fried Chicken?' That was the greatest day of my life."

It not only humanised MJ but also gave one of the biggest ad shout-out’s to KFC. They must be in heaven.

Stevie Wonder: "Never Dreamed You'd Leave in Summer."

A frequent MJ collaborator, Stevie gave a brief introduction to his 1971 song and held the crowd captivated from the moment he began speaking. "I never dreamed you'd leave in summer," Wonder sang, alone at his piano, and drifted into "They Won't Go When I Go," extending the performance into a nearly 10-minute one.

If it would have continued, no one would have complained, as Wonder looked as if he had knocked Staples Center still. Wonder shouted the refrain of the song, letting his voice crack, calling Michael's name.

A friend to a friend, a moment of modestly stated, but real grief.

Rev. Al Sharpton

There was a little buzz in the centre as he took the stage. The fiery orator seized the room immediately. "It was Michael Jackson who brought blacks and white and Latinos and Asians together," he boomed, earning one of the biggest cheers of the day and showing what perfect public speaking is all about.

"He outsang the cynics, he outdanced his doubters, he outperformed the pessimists," said Sharpton of Jackson, making a strong contribution to the fascinating process of Jackson's posthumous rehabilitation as an African American hero by people who had literally shunned him a few years back.

He also offered one of the event's best lines of the evening (even if it was a little incorrect). Speaking directly to Jackson's three children -- and likely to his many detractors -- he said, "Wasn't nothing strange about your daddy; it was strange what your daddy had to deal with."

John Mayer: 'Human Nature'

Before his attachments to Jennifer Aniston (and Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt and ….), Mayer was best known as a legit pop singer-songwriter with serious guitar skills. Unadorned by vocals, his stripped-down version of "Human Nature," itself a gentle if haunting ballad from "Thriller," proved a poignant reminder of Jackson's versatility as an artist, by turns striking and smooth.

John Mayer was infact very very good in performing an instrumental version of "Human Nature," and though he didn't seem as connected to the event as some of the participants, his presence made sense in light of Jackson's well-known love of rock guitar. Plus he didn’t make his trademark ‘crazy-face’. Well, atleast not as much as expected.

Brook Shields:

Shields gave a perspective with which few of us can really identify: the loss of innocence of a child star. Her remembrances of their laughing together and just being "two little kids having fun" were particularly moving, driving home the fact that Jackson never really had a childhood -- and won't get a chance at golden years either.

She said his favourite song was not one of his own but in fact Charlie Chaplin’s ‘Smile’ from the movie Modern Times. Which perfectly set up the next performance.

Jermaine Jackson: “Smile”

Jermaine took the stage wearing one silver glove and a red rose to sing this simple tune.There was the personal pathos of the older brother, whose own youthful success was so dramatically eclipsed by Michael, and who in recent days has told the media that he wishes he had died instead of Michael, singing in a voice eerily reminiscent of the one now lost.

Jermaine nearly broke down near the end, right after the line, "What's the use in crying"; the fans' applause lifted him back up.

Jermaine Jackson held his arms outstretched for much of the song, his gesture mirroring an image of Michael on the screens above him. It seemed like he was bearing a burden as well as celebrating a triumph. None of the memorial's other musical performances were as rich in subtext as this one. Or as personal.

Martin Luther King Jr III

He came on to the stage with his sister to rant about something I wasn’t listening to. What does this man do and what’s his contribution anyway. Your father was great no doubt. Now it’ll be great if YOU get a life of your own.

Usher: ‘Gone Too Soon.’

Usher, in black, oversized aviator sunglasses, was accompanied largely by an organ but he didn’t let the musical sparseness keep him confined to the stage.

Usher wandered close to Jackson’s casket, just off to the side, covered in roses. It was a bit strange and a little uncomfortable, to see him singing directly at Jackson’s coffin but to give him credit, Usher’s vocals was pristine.

As the song winded down, Usher lost his composure, took off his sunglasses and broke into tears and the Jackson family enveloped him in a group hug. It felt like a very private moment, one not often captured on national television.



Smokey Robinson:

Smokey who had earlier read out the letters from Diana Ross and Nelson Mandela spoke about his own association with MJ and about the song he wrote for MJ “Who’s Loving You” .

Smokey is a legend but while he was speaking the only thing I personally could think of, while watching him was: 'His skin is turning white too.'

Shaheen Jafargholi: Who’s Loving You

The “Britain’s Got Talent” finalist, 12-year-old Shaheen Jafargholi, performed Smokey Robinson’s “Who’s Lovin’ You,” after being introduced by Smokey, no less.

Perhaps it was inevitable (and a little odd too considering his trials with paedophilia) that a child would sing today. It turns out that Shaheen Jafargholi had been invited by MJ to sing on the This Is It shows planned for London. His performance was energetic but not great. But he’s just 12 and what a spot to be in.

We Are The World & Heal The World

Jafargholi was followed by two group performances: “We Are the World” and “Hear the World.”

Among the performers on stage were Jackson’s children who were being seen by the world for the first time without their faces being covered in veils and blankets. Riveting.

I wasn’t even listening to the songs. The 2 sons were looking lost but little Paris was seen singing her father’s song. Eerie.

The memorial ended with 2 of the most poignant scenes.

1) A daughter's farewell: Since her father’s death less than two weeks ago, the masks she’s worn in public all her life have come off and at his memorial service she spoke to the public for the first time. “I just want to say, ever since I was born, Daddy has been the best father you could ever imagine. And I just wanted to say that I love him so much,” she said shakily into the microphone, as her family surrounded her with support. As soon as the moment was over she fell into her aunt Janet’s arms and I bet there wasn’t a dry eye among the estimated 1 billion people watching worldwide.

2) Once the casket and family left, one of the last scenes was of the empty stage with a solitary microphone in the spotlight with a huge MJ poster behind. Perfect.