I, Me & Myself

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Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates
If you know me, you know about me and if you don't... well then read my blogs and you will find out

Sunday, December 25, 2011


In Defense

I was forwarded this article by some friends and my own take on this is contained in the comments in red below. 

But i begin with a caveat.

This is not in defense of Dubai. I am neither a member of the ruling family (how i wish, because then i could have just said "Off With Their Heads") nor do i work for any member of the ruling family. I am not Emarati and like i mentioned above, this is not in defense of Dubai at all. 

My gripe is with lazy journalism (or whatever that seems to pass for journalism). 

For those of us who live in the UAE this article is well known. There was a hue and cry when it first came out in 2007. Apart from the establishment denouncing it (you'd think???) most of the expat community too were offended by the lies that were seemingly strung together to form a salacious article.

That the writer Johann Hari was barely in the UAE for 27 hours puts the L in Lazy.

Vanity Fair had a similar article sometime early this year and now while the PIGS of Europe (Portugal, Ireland/Italy, Greece and Spain) begin defaulting on their debts Dubai seems to be on the road to cautious recovery - my company alone hires 18,000+ staff so i guess i know what i'm speaking about.  

Does Dubai have its faults?? Hell yes it does (the crazy driving for starters), but is it as crazy as this article says it is. NO.

 Anyway for what its worth, my comments for each point in red and like always, i've saved the best for last. 

Try not to scroll down before you read the whole post first.

Ciao

Vish


The dark side of Dubai

Dubai was meant to be a Middle-Eastern Shangri-La, a glittering monument to Arab enterprise and western capitalism. But as hard times arrive in the city state that rose from the desert sands, an uglier story is emerging. Johann Hari reports

 The wide, smiling face of Sheikh Mohammed – the absolute ruler of Dubai – beams down on his creation. His image is displayed on every other building, sandwiched between the more familiar corporate rictuses of Ronald McDonald and Colonel Sanders. This man has sold Dubai to the world as the city of One Thousand and One Arabian Lights, a Shangri-La in the Middle East insulated from the dust-storms blasting across the region. He dominates the Manhattan-manqué skyline, beaming out from row after row of glass pyramids and hotels smelted into the shape of piles of golden coins. And there he stands on the tallest building in the world – a skinny spike, jabbing farther into the sky than any other human construction in history.


But something has flickered in Sheikh Mohammed's smile. The ubiquitous cranes have paused on the skyline, as if stuck in time. There are countless buildings half-finished, seemingly abandoned. In the swankiest new constructions – like the vast Atlantis hotel, a giant pink castle built in 1,000 days for $1.5bn on its own artificial island – where rainwater is leaking from the ceilings and the tiles are falling off the roof. This Neverland was built on the Never-Never – and now the cracks are beginning to show. Suddenly it looks less like Manhattan in the sun than Iceland in the desert.
Once the manic burst of building has stopped and the whirlwind has slowed, the secrets of Dubai are slowly seeping out. This is a city built from nothing in just a few wild decades on credit and ecocide, suppression and slavery. Dubai is a living metal metaphor for the neo-liberal globalised world that may be crashing – at last – into history.
Did the construction slow down during the recession? Yes it did but so did the same happen all over the world. And unlike the Lehman Brothers nothing crashed and burned quite like that.

I. An Adult Disneyland


Karen Andrews can't speak. Every time she starts to tell her story, she puts her head down and crumples. She is slim and angular and has the faded radiance of the once-rich, even though her clothes are as creased as her forehead. I find her in the car park of one of Dubai's finest international hotels, where she is living, in her Range Rover. She has been sleeping here for months, thanks to the kindness of the Bangladeshi car park attendants who don't have the heart to move her on. This is not where she thought her Dubai dream would end.
Her story comes out in stutters, over four hours. At times, her old voice – witty and warm – breaks through. Karen came here from Canada when her husband was offered a job in the senior division of a famous multinational. "When he said Dubai, I said – if you want me to wear black and quit booze, baby, you've got the wrong girl. But he asked me to give it a chance. And I loved him."
All her worries melted when she touched down in Dubai in 2005. "It was an adult Disneyland, where Sheikh Mohammed is the mouse," she says. "Life was fantastic. You had these amazing big apartments, you had a whole army of your own staff, you pay no taxes at all. It seemed like everyone was a CEO. We were partying the whole time."
Her husband, Daniel, bought two properties. "We were drunk on Dubai," she says. But for the first time in his life, he was beginning to mismanage their finances. "We're not talking huge sums, but he was getting confused. It was so unlike Daniel, I was surprised. We got into a little bit of debt." After a year, she found out why: Daniel was diagnosed with a brain tumour.
One doctor told him he had a year to live; another said it was benign and he'd be okay. But the debts were growing. "Before I came here, I didn't know anything about Dubai law. I assumed if all these big companies come here, it must be pretty like Canada's or any other liberal democracy's," she says. Nobody told her there is no concept of bankruptcy. If you get into debt and you can't pay, you go to prison.
"When we realised that, I sat Daniel down and told him: listen, we need to get out of here. He knew he was guaranteed a pay-off when he resigned, so we said – right, let's take the pay-off, clear the debt, and go." So Daniel resigned – but he was given a lower pay-off than his contract suggested. The debt remained. As soon as you quit your job in Dubai, your employer has to inform your bank. If you have any outstanding debts that aren't covered by your savings, then all your accounts are frozen, and you are forbidden to leave the country.
"Suddenly our cards stopped working. We had nothing. We were thrown out of our apartment." Karen can't speak about what happened next for a long time; she is shaking.
Daniel was arrested and taken away on the day of their eviction. It was six days before she could talk to him. "He told me he was put in a cell with another debtor, a Sri Lankan guy who was only 27, who said he couldn't face the shame to his family. Daniel woke up and the boy had swallowed razor-blades. He banged for help, but nobody came, and the boy died in front of him."
Karen managed to beg from her friends for a few weeks, "but it was so humiliating. I've never lived like this. I worked in the fashion industry. I had my own shops. I've never..." She peters out.
Daniel was sentenced to six months' imprisonment at a trial he couldn't understand. It was in Arabic, and there was no translation. "Now I'm here illegally, too," Karen says I've got no money, nothing. I have to last nine months until he's out, somehow." Looking away, almost paralysed with embarrassment, she asks if I could buy her a meal.
She is not alone. All over the city, there are maxed-out expats sleeping secretly in the sand-dunes or the airport or in their cars.
"The thing you have to understand about Dubai is – nothing is what it seems," Karen says at last. "Nothing. This isn't a city, it's a con-job. They lure you in telling you it's one thing – a modern kind of place – but beneath the surface it's a medieval dictatorship."

This is fantasy. NO ONE IN DUBAI LIVES IN THEIR CARS. Anyway even if we were to - for arguments sake - believe this nonsense the whole point of the story is about bad business sense. Nothing to do with Dubai. If you acted crazy and lived beyond your means you will pay for it. In Dubai or Singapore or anywhere else. And people living in the airport??? Seriously???? Does this crazy writer actually believe that people just wander into the airport and live there or that people can live in sand-dunes.
And quite frankly, why doesn't the crazy woman (if she even exists) just sell her Range Rover? 
The security in the UAE is very very strong and no one can seriously live in their cars. Even if it is a Range Rover.

II. Tumbleweed


Thirty years ago, almost all of contemporary Dubai was desert, inhabited only by cactuses and tumbleweed and scorpions. But downtown there are traces of the town that once was, buried amidst the metal and glass. In the dusty fort of the Dubai Museum, a sanitised version of this story is told.
In the mid-18th century, a small village was built here, in the lower Persian Gulf, where people would dive for pearls off the coast. It soon began to accumulate a cosmopolitan population washing up from Persia, the Indian subcontinent, and other Arab countries, all hoping to make their fortune. They named it after a local locust, the daba, who consumed everything before it. The town was soon seized by the gunships of the British Empire, who held it by the throat as late as 1971. As they scuttled away, Dubai decided to ally with the six surrounding states and make up the United Arab Emirates (UAE).
The British quit, exhausted, just as oil was being discovered, and the sheikhs who suddenly found themselves in charge faced a remarkable dilemma. They were largely illiterate nomads who spent their lives driving camels through the desert – yet now they had a vast pot of gold. What should they do with it?
Dubai only had a dribble of oil compared to neighbouring Abu Dhabi – so Sheikh Maktoum decided to use the revenues to build something that would last. Israel used to boast it made the desert bloom; Sheikh Maktoum resolved to make the desert boom. He would build a city to be a centre of tourism and financial services, sucking up cash and talent from across the globe. He invited the world to come tax-free – and they came in their millions, swamping the local population, who now make up just 5 per cent of Dubai. A city seemed to fall from the sky in just three decades, whole and complete and swelling. They fast-forwarded from the 18th century to the 21st in a single generation.
If you take the Big Bus Tour of Dubai – the passport to a pre-processed experience of every major city on earth – you are fed the propaganda-vision of how this happened. "Dubai's motto is 'Open doors, open minds'," the tour guide tells you in clipped tones, before depositing you at the souks to buy camel tea-cosies. "Here you are free. To purchase fabrics," he adds. As you pass each new monumental building, he tells you: "The World Trade Centre was built by His Highness..."
But this is a lie. The sheikh did not build this city. It was built by slaves. They are building it now.

The Big Bus tour is is British owned and they have no reason for propaganda. The UAE may not be a democracy but it is a far cry from North Korea. I've been on the Big Bus tour and while they do mention Shaikh Mohammed and his vision for Dubai nowehere does anyone imply that the Shaikh actually built the city himself. This paragraph is what journalists are taught not to do. Just like the Hippocratic oath for Doctors, every journalist is taught of the immortal words of C P Scott:
"Comment is Free, but Facts are Sacred"

Maybe Joahnn skipped journalism class that day.
  

III. Hidden in plain view


There are three different Dubais, all swirling around each other. There are the expats, like Karen; there are the Emiratis, headed by Sheikh Mohammed; and then there is the foreign underclass who built the city, and are trapped here. They are hidden in plain view. You see them everywhere, in dirt-caked blue uniforms, being shouted at by their superiors, like a chain gang – but you are trained not to look. It is like a mantra: the Sheikh built the city. The Sheikh built the city. Workers? What workers?
Every evening, the hundreds of thousands of young men who build Dubai are bussed from their sites to a vast concrete wasteland an hour out of town, where they are quarantined away. Until a few years ago they were shuttled back and forth on cattle trucks, but the expats complained this was unsightly, so now they are shunted on small metal buses that function like greenhouses in the desert heat. They sweat like sponges being slowly wrung out.
Sonapur is a rubble-strewn patchwork of miles and miles of identical concrete buildings. Some 300,000 men live piled up here, in a place whose name in Hindi means "City of Gold". In the first camp I stop at – riven with the smell of sewage and sweat – the men huddle around, eager to tell someone, anyone, what is happening to them.
Sahinal Monir, a slim 24-year-old from the deltas of Bangladesh. "To get you here, they tell you Dubai is heaven. Then you get here and realise it is hell," he says. Four years ago, an employment agent arrived in Sahinal's village in Southern Bangladesh. He told the men of the village that there was a place where they could earn 40,000 takka a month (£400) just for working nine-to-five on construction projects. It was a place where they would be given great accommodation, great food, and treated well. All they had to do was pay an up-front fee of 220,000 takka (£2,300) for the work visa – a fee they'd pay off in the first six months, easy. So Sahinal sold his family land, and took out a loan from the local lender, to head to this paradise.
As soon as he arrived at Dubai airport, his passport was taken from him by his construction company. He has not seen it since. He was told brusquely that from now on he would be working 14-hour days in the desert heat – where western tourists are advised not to stay outside for even five minutes in summer, when it hits 55 degrees – for 500 dirhams a month (£90), less than a quarter of the wage he was promised. If you don't like it, the company told him, go home. "But how can I go home? You have my passport, and I have no money for the ticket," he said. "Well, then you'd better get to work," they replied.
Sahinal was in a panic. His family back home – his son, daughter, wife and parents – were waiting for money, excited that their boy had finally made it. But he was going to have to work for more than two years just to pay for the cost of getting here – and all to earn less than he did in Bangladesh.
He shows me his room. It is a tiny, poky, concrete cell with triple-decker bunk-beds, where he lives with 11 other men. All his belongings are piled onto his bunk: three shirts, a spare pair of trousers, and a cellphone. The room stinks, because the lavatories in the corner of the camp – holes in the ground – are backed up with excrement and clouds of black flies. There is no air conditioning or fans, so the heat is "unbearable. You cannot sleep. All you do is sweat and scratch all night." At the height of summer, people sleep on the floor, on the roof, anywhere where they can pray for a moment of breeze.
The water delivered to the camp in huge white containers isn't properly desalinated: it tastes of salt. "It makes us sick, but we have nothing else to drink," he says.
The work is "the worst in the world," he says. "You have to carry 50kg bricks and blocks of cement in the worst heat imaginable ... This heat – it is like nothing else. You sweat so much you can't pee, not for days or weeks. It's like all the liquid comes out through your skin and you stink. You become dizzy and sick but you aren't allowed to stop, except for an hour in the afternoon. You know if you drop anything or slip, you could die. If you take time off sick, your wages are docked, and you are trapped here even longer."
He is currently working on the 67th floor of a shiny new tower, where he builds upwards, into the sky, into the heat. He doesn't know its name. In his four years here, he has never seen the Dubai of tourist-fame, except as he constructs it floor-by-floor.
Is he angry? He is quiet for a long time. "Here, nobody shows their anger. You can't. You get put in jail for a long time, then deported." Last year, some workers went on strike after they were not given their wages for four months. The Dubai police surrounded their camps with razor-wire and water-cannons and blasted them out and back to work.
The "ringleaders" were imprisoned. I try a different question: does Sohinal regret coming? All the men look down, awkwardly. "How can we think about that? We are trapped. If we start to think about regrets..." He lets the sentence trail off. Eventually, another worker breaks the silence by adding: "I miss my country, my family and my land. We can grow food in Bangladesh. Here, nothing grows. Just oil and buildings."
Since the recession hit, they say, the electricity has been cut off in dozens of the camps, and the men have not been paid for months. Their companies have disappeared with their passports and their pay. "We have been robbed of everything. Even if somehow we get back to Bangladesh, the loan sharks will demand we repay our loans immediately, and when we can't, we'll be sent to prison."
This is all supposed to be illegal. Employers are meant to pay on time, never take your passport, give you breaks in the heat – but I met nobody who said it happens. Not one. These men are conned into coming and trapped into staying, with the complicity of the Dubai authorities.
Sahinal could well die out here. A British man who used to work on construction projects told me: "There's a huge number of suicides in the camps and on the construction sites, but they're not reported. They're described as 'accidents'." Even then, their families aren't free: they simply inherit the debts. A Human Rights Watch study found there is a "cover-up of the true extent" of deaths from heat exhaustion, overwork and suicide, but the Indian consulate registered 971 deaths of their nationals in 2005 alone. After this figure was leaked, the consulates were told to stop counting.
At night, in the dusk, I sit in the camp with Sohinal and his friends as they scrape together what they have left to buy a cheap bottle of spirits. They down it in one ferocious gulp. "It helps you to feel numb", Sohinal says through a stinging throat. In the distance, the glistening Dubai skyline he built stands, oblivious.

As poor as the alleged worker facilities are supposed to be no one in Dubai uses holes in the ground filled with excrement as lavatories. Me and group of friends did it once but that was when we had gone camping. Are the workers facilities ideal? CERTAINLY NOT.  But are they as bad as this conman suggests. Once again, CERTAINLY NOT.





IV. Mauled by the mall


I find myself stumbling in a daze from the camps into the sprawling marble malls that seem to stand on every street in Dubai. It is so hot there is no point building pavements; people gather in these cathedrals of consumerism to bask in the air conditioning. So within a ten minute taxi-ride, I have left Sohinal and I am standing in the middle of Harvey Nichols, being shown a £20,000 taffeta dress by a bored salesgirl. "As you can see, it is cut on the bias..." she says, and I stop writing.
Time doesn't seem to pass in the malls. Days blur with the same electric light, the same shined floors, the same brands I know from home. Here, Dubai is reduced to its component sounds: do-buy. In the most expensive malls I am almost alone, the shops empty and echoing. On the record, everybody tells me business is going fine. Off the record, they look panicky. There is a hat exhibition ahead of the Dubai races, selling elaborate headgear for £1,000 a pop. "Last year, we were packed. Now look," a hat designer tells me. She swoops her arm over a vacant space.
I approach a blonde 17-year-old Dutch girl wandering around in hotpants, oblivious to the swarms of men gaping at her. "I love it here!" she says. "The heat, the malls, the beach!" Does it ever bother you that it's a slave society? She puts her head down, just as Sohinal did. "I try not to see," she says. Even at 17, she has learned not to look, and not to ask; that, she senses, is a transgression too far.
Between the malls, there is nothing but the connecting tissue of asphalt. Every road has at least four lanes; Dubai feels like a motorway punctuated by shopping centres. You only walk anywhere if you are suicidal. The residents of Dubai flit from mall to mall by car or taxis.
How does it feel if this is your country, filled with foreigners? Unlike the expats and the slave class, I can't just approach the native Emiratis to ask questions when I see them wandering around – the men in cool white robes, the women in sweltering black. If you try, the women blank you, and the men look affronted, and tell you brusquely that Dubai is "fine". So I browse through the Emirati blog-scene and found some typical-sounding young Emiratis. We meet – where else? – in the mall.
Ahmed al-Atar is a handsome 23-year-old with a neat, trimmed beard, tailored white robes, and rectangular wire-glasses. He speaks perfect American-English, and quickly shows that he knows London, Los Angeles and Paris better than most westerners. Sitting back in his chair in an identikit Starbucks, he announces: "This is the best place in the world to be young! The government pays for your education up to PhD level. You get given a free house when you get married. You get free healthcare, and if it's not good enough here, they pay for you to go abroad. You don't even have to pay for your phone calls. Almost everyone has a maid, a nanny, and a driver. And we never pay any taxes. Don't you wish you were Emirati?"
I try to raise potential objections to this Panglossian summary, but he leans forward and says: "Look – my grandfather woke up every day and he would have to fight to get to the well first to get water. When the wells ran dry, they had to have water delivered by camel. They were always hungry and thirsty and desperate for jobs. He limped all his life, because he there was no medical treatment available when he broke his leg. Now look at us!"
For Emiratis, this is a Santa Claus state, handing out goodies while it makes its money elsewhere: through renting out land to foreigners, soft taxes on them like business and airport charges, and the remaining dribble of oil. Most Emiratis, like Ahmed, work for the government, so they're cushioned from the credit crunch. "I haven't felt any effect at all, and nor have my friends," he says. "Your employment is secure. You will only be fired if you do something incredibly bad." The laws are currently being tightened, to make it even more impossible to sack an Emirati.
Sure, the flooding-in of expats can sometimes be "an eyesore", Ahmed says. "But we see the expats as the price we had to pay for this development. How else could we do it? Nobody wants to go back to the days of the desert, the days before everyone came. We went from being like an African country to having an average income per head of $120,000 a year. And we're supposed to complain?"
He says the lack of political freedom is fine by him. "You'll find it very hard to find an Emirati who doesn't support Sheikh Mohammed." Because they're scared? "No, because we really all support him. He's a great leader. Just look!" He smiles and says: "I'm sure my life is very much like yours. We hang out, have a coffee, go to the movies. You'll be in a Pizza Hut or Nando's in London, and at the same time I'll be in one in Dubai," he says, ordering another latte.
But do all young Emiratis see it this way? Can it really be so sunny in the political sands? In the sleek Emirates Tower Hotel, I meet Sultan al-Qassemi. He's a 31-year-old Emirati columnist for the Dubai press and private art collector, with a reputation for being a contrarian liberal, advocating gradual reform. He is wearing Western clothes – blue jeans and a Ralph Lauren shirt – and speaks incredibly fast, turning himself into a manic whirr of arguments.
"People here are turning into lazy, overweight babies!" he exclaims. "The nanny state has gone too far. We don't do anything for ourselves! Why don't any of us work for the private sector? Why can't a mother and father look after their own child?" And yet, when I try to bring up the system of slavery that built Dubai, he looks angry. "People should give us credit," he insists. "We are the most tolerant people in the world. Dubai is the only truly international city in the world. Everyone who comes here is treated with respect."
I pause, and think of the vast camps in Sonapur, just a few miles away. Does he even know they exist? He looks irritated. "You know, if there are 30 or 40 cases [of worker abuse] a year, that sounds like a lot but when you think about how many people are here..." Thirty or 40? This abuse is endemic to the system, I say. We're talking about hundreds of thousands.
Sultan is furious. He splutters: "You don't think Mexicans are treated badly in New York City? And how long did it take Britain to treat people well? I could come to London and write about the homeless people on Oxford Street and make your city sound like a terrible place, too! The workers here can leave any time they want! Any Indian can leave, any Asian can leave!"
But they can't, I point out. Their passports are taken away, and their wages are withheld. "Well, I feel bad if that happens, and anybody who does that should be punished. But their embassies should help them." They try. But why do you forbid the workers – with force – from going on strike against lousy employers? "Thank God we don't allow that!" he exclaims. "Strikes are in-convenient! They go on the street – we're not having that. We won't be like France. Imagine a country where they the workers can just stop whenever they want!" So what should the workers do when they are cheated and lied to? "Quit. Leave the country."
I sigh. Sultan is seething now. "People in the West are always complaining about us," he says. Suddenly, he adopts a mock-whiny voice and says, in imitation of these disgusting critics: "Why don't you treat animals better? Why don't you have better shampoo advertising? Why don't you treat labourers better?" It's a revealing order: animals, shampoo, then workers. He becomes more heated, shifting in his seat, jabbing his finger at me. "I gave workers who worked for me safety goggles and special boots, and they didn't want to wear them! It slows them down!"
And then he smiles, coming up with what he sees as his killer argument. "When I see Western journalists criticise us – don't you realise you're shooting yourself in the foot? The Middle East will be far more dangerous if Dubai fails. Our export isn't oil, it's hope. Poor Egyptians or Libyans or Iranians grow up saying – I want to go to Dubai. We're very important to the region. We are showing how to be a modern Muslim country. We don't have any fundamentalists here. Europeans shouldn't gloat at our demise. You should be very worried.... Do you know what will happen if this model fails? Dubai will go down the Iranian path, the Islamist path."
Sultan sits back. My arguments have clearly disturbed him; he says in a softer, conciliatory tone, almost pleading: "Listen. My mother used to go to the well and get a bucket of water every morning. On her wedding day, she was given an orange as a gift because she had never eaten one. Two of my brothers died when they were babies because the healthcare system hadn't developed yet. Don't judge us." He says it again, his eyes filled with intensity: "Don't judge us."

This fraud Johann goes from Sonapur to Harvey Nichols in a 10 minute taxi ride. 
The fact that the distance between the 2 places is about 40+ kilometers and not to mention the famed Dubai traffic jams this is fiction at its worst - or should i say, it is Mission Impossible.



V. The Dunkin' Donuts Dissidents


But there is another face to the Emirati minority – a small huddle of dissidents, trying to shake the Sheikhs out of abusive laws. Next to a Virgin Megastore and a Dunkin' Donuts, with James Blunt's "You're Beautiful" blaring behind me, I meet the Dubai dictatorship's Public Enemy Number One. By way of introduction, Mohammed al-Mansoori says from within his white robes and sinewy face: "Westerners come her and see the malls and the tall buildings and they think that means we are free. But these businesses, these buildings – who are they for? This is a dictatorship. The royal family think they own the country, and the people are their servants. There is no freedom here."
We snuffle out the only Arabic restaurant in this mall, and he says everything you are banned – under threat of prison – from saying in Dubai. Mohammed tells me he was born in Dubai to a fisherman father who taught him one enduring lesson: Never follow the herd. Think for yourself. In the sudden surge of development, Mohammed trained as a lawyer. By the Noughties, he had climbed to the head of the Jurists' Association, an organisation set up to press for Dubai's laws to be consistent with international human rights legislation.
And then – suddenly – Mohammed thwacked into the limits of Sheikh Mohammed's tolerance. Horrified by the "system of slavery" his country was being built on, he spoke out to Human Rights Watch and the BBC. "So I was hauled in by the secret police and told: shut up, or you will lose you job, and your children will be unemployable," he says. "But how could I be silent?"
He was stripped of his lawyer's licence and his passport – becoming yet another person imprisoned in this country. "I have been blacklisted and so have my children. The newspapers are not allowed to write about me."
Why is the state so keen to defend this system of slavery? He offers a prosaic explanation. "Most companies are owned by the government, so they oppose human rights laws because it will reduce their profit margins. It's in their interests that the workers are slaves."
Last time there was a depression, there was a starbust of democracy in Dubai, seized by force from the sheikhs. In the 1930s, the city's merchants banded together against Sheikh Said bin Maktum al-Maktum – the absolute ruler of his day – and insisted they be given control over the state finances. It lasted only a few years, before the Sheikh – with the enthusiastic support of the British – snuffed them out.
And today? Sheikh Mohammed turned Dubai into Creditopolis, a city built entirely on debt. Dubai owes 107 percent of its entire GDP. It would be bust already, if the neighbouring oil-soaked state of Abu Dhabi hadn't pulled out its chequebook. Mohammed says this will constrict freedom even further. "Now Abu Dhabi calls the tunes – and they are much more conservative and restrictive than even Dubai. Freedom here will diminish every day." Already, new media laws have been drafted forbidding the press to report on anything that could "damage" Dubai or "its economy". Is this why the newspapers are giving away glossy supplements talking about "encouraging economic indicators"?
Everybody here waves Islamism as the threat somewhere over the horizon, sure to swell if their advice is not followed. Today, every imam is appointed by the government, and every sermon is tightly controlled to keep it moderate. But Mohammed says anxiously: "We don't have Islamism here now, but I think that if you control people and give them no way to express anger, it could rise. People who are told to shut up all the time can just explode."
Later that day, against another identikit-corporate backdrop, I meet another dissident – Abdulkhaleq Abdullah, Professor of Political Science at Emirates University. His anger focuses not on political reform, but the erosion of Emirati identity. He is famous among the locals, a rare outspoken conductor for their anger. He says somberly: "There has been a rupture here. This is a totally different city to the one I was born in 50 years ago."
He looks around at the shiny floors and Western tourists and says: "What we see now didn't occur in our wildest dreams. We never thought we could be such a success, a trendsetter, a model for other Arab countries. The people of Dubai are mighty proud of their city, and rightly so. And yet..." He shakes his head. "In our hearts, we fear we have built a modern city but we are losing it to all these expats."
Adbulkhaleq says every Emirati of his generation lives with a "psychological trauma." Their hearts are divided – "between pride on one side, and fear on the other." Just after he says this, a smiling waitress approaches, and asks us what we would like to drink. He orders a Coke.

James Blunt released his album Back to Bedlam in 2004 and the song You're Beautiful became a runaway hit. It got so viral that after 3-6 months of being played incessantly on the airwaves it faded from popular culture - just like Celine Dion's My Heart Will Go On from the Titanic soundtrack. Anyone who's visited the Virgin music stores will know that they are fastidiously up to date with the music scene and playing the nauseating 2004 hit in 2009 is once again, for want of a better phrase - Mission Impossible.  
Just a small point but it probably serves to highlight this writer's credentials - or lack of them. 

VI. Dubai Pride


There is one group in Dubai for whom the rhetoric of sudden freedom and liberation rings true – but it is the very group the government wanted to liberate least: gays.
Beneath a famous international hotel, I clamber down into possibly the only gay club on the Saudi Arabian peninsula. I find a United Nations of tank-tops and bulging biceps, dancing to Kylie, dropping ecstasy, and partying like it's Soho. "Dubai is the best place in the Muslim world for gays!" a 25-year old Emirati with spiked hair says, his arms wrapped around his 31-year old "husband". "We are alive. We can meet. That is more than most Arab gays."
It is illegal to be gay in Dubai, and punishable by 10 years in prison. But the locations of the latest unofficial gay clubs circulate online, and men flock there, seemingly unafraid of the police. "They might bust the club, but they will just disperse us," one of them says. "The police have other things to do."
In every large city, gay people find a way to find each other – but Dubai has become the clearing-house for the region's homosexuals, a place where they can live in relative safety. Saleh, a lean private in the Saudi Arabian army, has come here for the Coldplay concert, and tells me Dubai is "great" for gays: "In Saudi, it's hard to be straight when you're young. The women are shut away so everyone has gay sex. But they only want to have sex with boys – 15- to 21-year-olds. I'm 27, so I'm too old now. I need to find real gays, so this is the best place. All Arab gays want to live in Dubai."
With that, Saleh dances off across the dancefloor, towards a Dutch guy with big biceps and a big smile.

I don't really understand what is the purpose of this point is the article. Apart from being salacious that is. Replace Dubai with New York and Saudi Arabia with Texas and you wouldn't have to change another word in this paragraph. 

VII. The Lifestyle


All the guidebooks call Dubai a "melting pot", but as I trawl across the city, I find that every group here huddles together in its own little ethnic enclave – and becomes a caricature of itself. One night – in the heart of this homesick city, tired of the malls and the camps – I go to Double Decker, a hang-out for British expats. At the entrance there is a red telephone box, and London bus-stop signs. Its wooden interior looks like a cross between a colonial clubhouse in the Raj and an Eighties school disco, with blinking coloured lights and cheese blaring out. As I enter, a girl in a short skirt collapses out of the door onto her back. A guy wearing a pirate hat helps her to her feet, dropping his beer bottle with a paralytic laugh.
I start to talk to two sun-dried women in their sixties who have been getting gently sozzled since midday. "You stay here for The Lifestyle," they say, telling me to take a seat and order some more drinks. All the expats talk about The Lifestyle, but when you ask what it is, they become vague. Ann Wark tries to summarise it: "Here, you go out every night. You'd never do that back home. You see people all the time. It's great. You have lots of free time. You have maids and staff so you don't have to do all that stuff. You party!"
They have been in Dubai for 20 years, and they are happy to explain how the city works. "You've got a hierarchy, haven't you?" Ann says. "It's the Emiratis at the top, then I'd say the British and other Westerners. Then I suppose it's the Filipinos, because they've got a bit more brains than the Indians. Then at the bottom you've got the Indians and all them lot."
They admit, however, they have "never" spoken to an Emirati. Never? "No. They keep themselves to themselves." Yet Dubai has disappointed them. Jules Taylor tells me: "If you have an accident here it's a nightmare. There was a British woman we knew who ran over an Indian guy, and she was locked up for four days! If you have a tiny bit of alcohol on your breath they're all over you. These Indians throw themselves in front of cars, because then their family has to be given blood money – you know, compensation. But the police just blame us. That poor woman."
A 24-year-old British woman called Hannah Gamble takes a break from the dancefloor to talk to me. "I love the sun and the beach! It's great out here!" she says. Is there anything bad? "Oh yes!" she says. Ah: one of them has noticed, I think with relief. "The banks! When you want to make a transfer you have to fax them. You can't do it online." Anything else? She thinks hard. "The traffic's not very good."
When I ask the British expats how they feel to not be in a democracy, their reaction is always the same. First, they look bemused. Then they look affronted. "It's the Arab way!" an Essex boy shouts at me in response, as he tries to put a pair of comedy antlers on his head while pouring some beer into the mouth of his friend, who is lying on his back on the floor, gurning.
Later, in a hotel bar, I start chatting to a dyspeptic expat American who works in the cosmetics industry and is desperate to get away from these people. She says: "All the people who couldn't succeed in their own countries end up here, and suddenly they're rich and promoted way above their abilities and bragging about how great they are. I've never met so many incompetent people in such senior positions anywhere in the world." She adds: "It's absolutely racist. I had Filipino girls working for me doing the same job as a European girl, and she's paid a quarter of the wages. The people who do the real work are paid next to nothing, while these incompetent managers pay themselves £40,000 a month."
With the exception of her, one theme unites every expat I speak to: their joy at having staff to do the work that would clog their lives up Back Home. Everyone, it seems, has a maid. The maids used to be predominantly Filipino, but with the recession, Filipinos have been judged to be too expensive, so a nice Ethiopian servant girl is the latest fashionable accessory.
It is an open secret that once you hire a maid, you have absolute power over her. You take her passport – everyone does; you decide when to pay her, and when – if ever – she can take a break; and you decide who she talks to. She speaks no Arabic. She cannot escape.
In a Burger King, a Filipino girl tells me it is "terrifying" for her to wander the malls in Dubai because Filipino maids or nannies always sneak away from the family they are with and beg her for help. "They say – 'Please, I am being held prisoner, they don't let me call home, they make me work every waking hour seven days a week.' At first I would say – my God, I will tell the consulate, where are you staying? But they never know their address, and the consulate isn't interested. I avoid them now. I keep thinking about a woman who told me she hadn't eaten any fruit in four years. They think I have power because I can walk around on my own, but I'm powerless."
The only hostel for women in Dubai – a filthy private villa on the brink of being repossessed – is filled with escaped maids. Mela Matari, a 25-year-old Ethiopian woman with a drooping smile, tells me what happened to her – and thousands like her. She was promised a paradise in the sands by an agency, so she left her four year-old daughter at home and headed here to earn money for a better future. "But they paid me half what they promised. I was put with an Australian family – four children – and Madam made me work from 6am to 1am every day, with no day off. I was exhausted and pleaded for a break, but they just shouted: 'You came here to work, not sleep!' Then one day I just couldn't go on, and Madam beat me. She beat me with her fists and kicked me. My ear still hurts. They wouldn't give me my wages: they said they'd pay me at the end of the two years. What could I do? I didn't know anybody here. I was terrified."
One day, after yet another beating, Mela ran out onto the streets, and asked – in broken English – how to find the Ethiopian consulate. After walking for two days, she found it, but they told her she had to get her passport back from Madam. "Well, how could I?" she asks. She has been in this hostel for six months. She has spoken to her daughter twice. "I lost my country, I lost my daughter, I lost everything," she says.
As she says this, I remember a stray sentence I heard back at Double Decker. I asked a British woman called Hermione Frayling what the best thing about Dubai was. "Oh, the servant class!" she trilled. "You do nothing. They'll do anything!"

For argument's sake i will believe that everything in this paragraph above happened. 
But what does it show. British (or expat) ignorance and snobbery at best and slave mentality at worst. But aren't the East Europeans treated the same way all over London? Infact the government here has made it mandatory to have all staff wages paid into a bank account (as opposed to cash) to stop the 'servant class' being cheated. 
Some drunk brit mows down some poor labourer and some drunk grannies claim they are throwing themselves at the cars???? Once again, are you frickin kidding me?
And for any idiot who says that the Indians fall at the bottom of the expat bracket has obviously not met the Indians here. Even if you discount the Indian 'servant class' the rest of the Indians probably have a higher net worth than the Emaratis themselves. If you think Bombay is ostentatious, you should attend an Indian wedding here.  

VIII. The End of The World


The World is empty. It has been abandoned, its continents unfinished. Through binoculars, I think I can glimpse Britain; this sceptred isle barren in the salt-breeze.
Here, off the coast of Dubai, developers have been rebuilding the world. They have constructed artificial islands in the shape of all planet Earth's land masses, and they plan to sell each continent off to be built on. There were rumours that the Beckhams would bid for Britain. But the people who work at the nearby coast say they haven't seen anybody there for months now. "The World is over," a South African suggests.
All over Dubai, crazy projects that were Under Construction are now Under Collapse. They were building an air-conditioned beach here, with cooling pipes running below the sand, so the super-rich didn't singe their toes on their way from towel to sea.
The projects completed just before the global economy crashed look empty and tattered. The Atlantis Hotel was launched last winter in a $20m fin-de-siecle party attended by Robert De Niro, Lindsay Lohan and Lily Allen. Sitting on its own fake island – shaped, of course, like a palm tree – it looks like an immense upturned tooth in a faintly decaying mouth. It is pink and turreted – the architecture of the pharaohs, as reimagined by Zsa-Zsa Gabor. Its Grand Lobby is a monumental dome covered in glitterballs, held up by eight monumental concrete palm trees. Standing in the middle, there is a giant shining glass structure that looks like the intestines of every guest who has ever stayed at the Atlantis. It is unexpectedly raining; water is leaking from the roof, and tiles are falling off.
A South African PR girl shows me around its most coveted rooms, explaining that this is "the greatest luxury offered in the world". We stroll past shops selling £24m diamond rings around a hotel themed on the lost and sunken continent of, yes, Atlantis. There are huge water tanks filled with sharks, which poke around mock-abandoned castles and dumped submarines. There are more than 1,500 rooms here, each with a sea view. The Neptune suite has three floors, and – I gasp as I see it – it looks out directly on to the vast shark tank. You lie on the bed, and the sharks stare in at you. In Dubai, you can sleep with the fishes, and survive.
But even the luxury – reminiscent of a Bond villain's lair – is also being abandoned. I check myself in for a few nights to the classiest hotel in town, the Park Hyatt. It is the fashionistas' favourite hotel, where Elle Macpherson and Tommy Hilfiger stay, a gorgeous, understated palace. It feels empty. Whenever I eat, I am one of the only people in the restaurant. A staff member tells me in a whisper: "It used to be full here. Now there's hardly anyone." Rattling around, I feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, the last man in an abandoned, haunted home.
The most famous hotel in Dubai – the proud icon of the city – is the Burj al Arab hotel, sitting on the shore, shaped like a giant glass sailing boat. In the lobby, I start chatting to a couple from London who work in the City. They have been coming to Dubai for 10 years now, and they say they love it. "You never know what you'll find here," he says. "On our last trip, at the beginning of the holiday, our window looked out on the sea. By the end, they'd built an entire island there."
My patience frayed by all this excess, I find myself snapping: doesn't the omnipresent slave class bother you? I hope they misunderstood me, because the woman replied: "That's what we come for! It's great, you can't do anything for yourself!" Her husband chimes in: "When you go to the toilet, they open the door, they turn on the tap – the only thing they don't do is take it out for you when you have a piss!" And they both fall about laughing.

1. It hardly ever rains in Dubai.
2. Even when it does it hardly makes the Atlantis leak. Maybe Johann could not resist the imagery of Atlantis  going underwater.
3. I've lunched at the Park Hyatt myself and the whole design and point of the resort was solitude. Its not empty, it was designed to feel that way. If it were Fiji you'd call it bespoke understated luxury but here you try to hammer home your article where events seem manufactured to fit the profile.  

IX. Taking on the Desert


Dubai is not just a city living beyond its financial means; it is living beyond its ecological means. You stand on a manicured Dubai lawn and watch the sprinklers spray water all around you. You see tourists flocking to swim with dolphins. You wander into a mountain-sized freezer where they have built a ski slope with real snow. And a voice at the back of your head squeaks: this is the desert. This is the most water-stressed place on the planet. How can this be happening? How is it possible?
The very earth is trying to repel Dubai, to dry it up and blow it away. The new Tiger Woods Gold Course needs four million gallons of water to be pumped on to its grounds every day, or it would simply shrivel and disappear on the winds. The city is regularly washed over with dust-storms that fog up the skies and turn the skyline into a blur. When the dust parts, heat burns through. It cooks anything that is not kept constantly, artificially wet.
Dr Mohammed Raouf, the environmental director of the Gulf Research Centre, sounds sombre as he sits in his Dubai office and warns: "This is a desert area, and we are trying to defy its environment. It is very unwise. If you take on the desert, you will lose."
Sheikh Maktoum built his showcase city in a place with no useable water. None. There is no surface water, very little acquifer, and among the lowest rainfall in the world. So Dubai drinks the sea. The Emirates' water is stripped of salt in vast desalination plants around the Gulf – making it the most expensive water on earth. It costs more than petrol to produce, and belches vast amounts of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere as it goes. It's the main reason why a resident of Dubai has the biggest average carbon footprint of any human being – more than double that of an American.
If a recession turns into depression, Dr Raouf believes Dubai could run out of water. "At the moment, we have financial reserves that cover bringing so much water to the middle of the desert. But if we had lower revenues – if, say, the world shifts to a source of energy other than oil..." he shakes his head. "We will have a very big problem. Water is the main source of life. It would be a catastrophe. Dubai only has enough water to last us a week. There's almost no storage. We don't know what will happen if our supplies falter. It would be hard to survive."
Global warming, he adds, makes the problem even worse. "We are building all these artificial islands, but if the sea level rises, they will be gone, and we will lose a lot. Developers keep saying it's all fine, they've taken it into consideration, but I'm not so sure."
Is the Dubai government concerned about any of this? "There isn't much interest in these problems," he says sadly. But just to stand still, the average resident of Dubai needs three times more water than the average human. In the looming century of water stresses and a transition away from fossil fuels, Dubai is uniquely vulnerable.
I wanted to understand how the government of Dubai will react, so I decided to look at how it has dealt with an environmental problem that already exists – the pollution of its beaches. One woman – an American, working at one of the big hotels – had written in a lot of online forums arguing that it was bad and getting worse, so I called her to arrange a meeting. "I can't talk to you," she said sternly. Not even if it's off the record? "I can't talk to you." But I don't have to disclose your name... "You're not listening. This phone is bugged. I can't talk to you," she snapped, and hung up.
The next day I turned up at her office. "If you reveal my identity, I'll be sent on the first plane out of this city," she said, before beginning to nervously pace the shore with me. "It started like this. We began to get complaints from people using the beach. The water looked and smelled odd, and they were starting to get sick after going into it. So I wrote to the ministers of health and tourism and expected to hear back immediately – but there was nothing. Silence. I hand-delivered the letters. Still nothing."
The water quality got worse and worse. The guests started to spot raw sewage, condoms, and used sanitary towels floating in the sea. So the hotel ordered its own water analyses from a professional company. "They told us it was full of fecal matter and bacteria 'too numerous to count'. I had to start telling guests not to go in the water, and since they'd come on a beach holiday, as you can imagine, they were pretty pissed off." She began to make angry posts on the expat discussion forums – and people began to figure out what was happening. Dubai had expanded so fast its sewage treatment facilities couldn't keep up. The sewage disposal trucks had to queue for three or four days at the treatment plants – so instead, they were simply drilling open the manholes and dumping the untreated sewage down them, so it flowed straight to the sea.
Suddenly, it was an open secret – and the municipal authorities finally acknowledged the problem. They said they would fine the truckers. But the water quality didn't improve: it became black and stank. "It's got chemicals in it. I don't know what they are. But this stuff is toxic."
She continued to complain – and started to receive anonymous phone calls. "Stop embarassing Dubai, or your visa will be cancelled and you're out," they said. She says: "The expats are terrified to talk about anything. One critical comment in the newspapers and they deport you. So what am I supposed to do? Now the water is worse than ever. People are getting really sick. Eye infections, ear infections, stomach infections, rashes. Look at it!" There is faeces floating on the beach, in the shadow of one of Dubai's most famous hotels.
"What I learnt about Dubai is that the authorities don't give a toss about the environment," she says, standing in the stench. "They're pumping toxins into the sea, their main tourist attraction, for God's sake. If there are environmental problems in the future, I can tell you now how they will deal with them – deny it's happening, cover it up, and carry on until it's a total disaster." As she speaks, a dust-storm blows around us, as the desert tries, slowly, insistently, to take back its land.

Is water shortage a problem. Yes
But to state this point of your's must you resort to fiction. The part of the paragraph above highlighted in blue is so fantastical that i am literally at loss for words (which for me is quite a feat :-) )
And the last sentence about the dust storm building around them as they talk could belong in a movie by Michael Bay perhaps - it is THAT dramatic. 


X. Fake Plastic Trees


On my final night in the Dubai Disneyland, I stop off on my way to the airport, at a Pizza Hut that sits at the side of one of the city's endless, wide, gaping roads. It is identical to the one near my apartment in London in every respect, even the vomit-coloured decor. My mind is whirring and distracted. Perhaps Dubai disturbed me so much, I am thinking, because here, the entire global supply chain is condensed. Many of my goods are made by semi-enslaved populations desperate for a chance 2,000 miles away; is the only difference that here, they are merely two miles away, and you sometimes get to glimpse their faces? Dubai is Market Fundamentalist Globalisation in One City.
I ask the Filipino girl behind the counter if she likes it here. "It's OK," she says cautiously. Really? I say. I can't stand it. She sighs with relief and says: "This is the most terrible place! I hate it! I was here for months before I realised – everything in Dubai is fake. Everything you see. The trees are fake, the workers' contracts are fake, the islands are fake, the smiles are fake – even the water is fake!" But she is trapped, she says. She got into debt to come here, and she is stuck for three years: an old story now. "I think Dubai is like an oasis. It is an illusion, not real. You think you have seen water in the distance, but you get close and you only get a mouthful of sand."
As she says this, another customer enters. She forces her face into the broad, empty Dubai smile and says: "And how may I help you tonight, sir?"
Some names in this article have been changed.


And as the final nail in the coffin i give you, an excerpt from Johann Hari's Wikipedia page.


Amen.!


Johann Eduard Hari (born 21 January 1979) is an award winning British journalist who was a columnist at The Independent and The Huffington Post, and contributed to several other publications. In 2011, Hari was accused of plagiarism and eventually admitted to it. He was suspended from The Independent and surrendered his 2008 Orwell Prize. He also admitted to making Wikipedia edits, under a pseudonym, to attack his critics, and has said that he plans to undergo training in journalism ethics.


In June/July 2011 Hari was accused of plagiarism in his use of unattributed quotations in interviews, where he had reused previously published quotes in place of his interviewees' recorded answers. The Orwell Prize, which he had won in 2008, was withdrawn following a comparison between one of the articles for which he won the award and the original Der Spiegel article on which it was based. He was also shown to have been making misleading edits on Wikipedia under a pseudonym. Hari apologised for his actions, although that apology was publicly criticised.


Hari published an apology and admission of misconduct,[42] and admitted to using a pseudonym to add positive material to the Wikipedia article about himself and negative material to Wikipedia articles about people he had disputes with.[42] Hari said he would take unpaid personal leave of absence until 2012 and seek training in journalistic ethics at his own expense.









Merry X'Mas



To Everyone Who Visits This Blog,

In these busy times, i thank each one of you for taking the time to visit the blog and I can only hope that your time is not wasted and I'd like to think that sometimes, just sometimes i may have also managed to bring a smile to your face.

Wishing you and your loved ones a festive season ahead and may you all be blessed with happiness, luck and good health.

With All My Warmest Regards  


Vishal


Monday, December 19, 2011

Movie Review: Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol



Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol
*ing Tom Cruise, Jeremy Renner, Paula Patton and Anil Kapoor
Directed by Brad Bird



THE LAST ACTION HERO

The National Geographic came out with a stunning pic sometime ago (see below) which at first sight looks like a simple picture of camels crossing the desert.  When you look closer you see that what you thought were the camels are in fact their shadows while the camels are the little brown things being photographed from directly above.

After the mind-blowing vertigo-inducing (believe me this is not hyperbole) scene at the Burj Khalifa, Tom Cruise chases the villain and director Brad Bird manages a similar effect. Simply Stunning.

I don’t remember who exactly said it but I’d read sometime ago a quote (from a critic I presume) which defined a good movie as having “3 great scenes and no bad ones

Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol ticks every box. And more than thrice.

It moves from Budapest to Moscow to Dubai (in all its glory) and then to Mumbai (which sadly is hardly there).

While attending the DIFF (Dubai Intl Film Festival) Tom said that he wanted MI4 to be bigger, funnier and faster.

Director Brad Bird who has earlier only made cartoons (or animated features as they respectfully call them) like Ratatouille and The Incredibles brings the same breathless energy and suspension of disbelief to this movie and WOW, does he knock it for a six.

If you think the Kremlin blowing up was fab wait till Agent Hunt and team land in Dubai.

The packed theatre broke into loud applause the moment the camera swooped over the sand dunes to parade the dazzling skyline of Dubai with the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world, rising majestically in the middle.
Most of the people clapping were just proud Emaratis but 15 minutes later everyone, Emarati or otherwise, were at the edge of their seats.







 In a kick-ass scene (which is supposed to be even better in IMAX and which alone is worth the price of the ticket) Tom Cruise stands at the edge of a room whose floor to ceiling windows have been removed.

In 1 fluid motion the camera which is initially behind him glides towards him, then swoops over him and out through the open window, looks down and then turns back towards Tom still standing there at the very edge. This is when you realize it is actually Tom (and not some stunt double or god forbid CGI) who is standing there, 130 stories above the ground.

Then for the next 15 minutes of cinematic magic he crawls up, slips, crashes through, jumps out of, runs vertically down the outside and then swings back into the tallest building in the world.

Most of us who were in Dubai when they were shooting the movie know from the local media, which covered it extensively, that Tom did actually do his own stunts and yet you cant help but stare in disbelief.

If Ra-One had just this 1 scene in the movie it would have made double the money.

Of course he was wired safely and all that but even then, just imagine the jaw dropping sight of one of the biggest stars in the world running face down, the outside of the tallest building in the world.







 Hollywood can do CGI crap like Transformers and Iron Man which while great time-pass, you always know is a computer generated spectacle. You enjoy it but can never invest emotionally or cerebrally with it.
However when they do make an effort Hollywood can kick some serious cinematic ass.

The story is irrelevant (almost Bond-like with Russian evil guys and missiles launching out of the sea etc) but it is good enough to keep you interested in between the big set pieces.

After Dubai the story moves to Mumbai but not before there is another classic car chase but this time aided by GPS only as everyone is caught in a huge sandstorm.
Now I guess you just have to allow certain cinematic liberties because in the 8+ years that I’ve lived here, I am yet to see a sandstorm like that.
People driving like crazy on the other hand I’ve seen plenty.

Anil Kapoor during the same film festival said that he modelled his character of a filthy rich super flamboyant business tycoon on Kingfisher CEO Vijay Mallya.
Not sure if Mr. Mallya is sleazy (thought I wouldn’t put it past him especially with his insistence on doing the final interview for every Kingfisher stewardess) but I doubt he is as funny a person like Anil plays him.
He seems like Lakhan in a tuxedo speaking English and at about 5 minutes of screen time quite wasted but Anil being Anil has milked this for all its worth so good for him.

And in case you are trying to guess where it is, his palace/mansion in the movie is actually the new Jumeirah Zabeel Saray hotel on the Palm in Dubai.
Colleagues who have visited say it is magical and almost palace like. Poor things haven’t been to the real palaces in India.

And again if you wondered where in Mumbai is that space age automated parking structure, its not in India. Not even Dubai. That was somewhere in Toronto.

But these are small quibbles.

Tom may have gone a little bonkers in the last few years and snapped at TV anchors about medications, sparred with Brook Shields about post natal depression (how the hell did he think he knew more about that than someone who’s just pushed a baby through her vajajay) and then famously jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch but lets face it. He is probably the last of the big super stars.


Maybe a little old but he is leaner and fitter than most 20 year olds and if werewolf-boy Jacob can, Ethan Hunt too can whip off his shirt just as often. Now if only he could get his hair to stand like Edward’s.

When he is in control of the crazy, Mr. Cruise can still deliver box office magic.

As you walk out of the theatre all you can remember is the Dum Dum Dadadum Dum Dum from the iconic soundtrack and the sight of Mr. Tom Cruise dangling outside the tallest building in the world on a rope which is still many metres short of the open window and safety. This time he runs along the building, lets go of the rope, sails through the air and hopes for gravity to get him through.

Even Salman Khan wouldn’t try something like that (Rajnikant, Maybe).

So your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to get to the nearest theatre showing MI4 and be prepared for one of the best action movies of the year.



Sunday, December 18, 2011

Shanker-Ehsaan-Loy in Abu Dhabi

THE MUSIC IS FOR THE CHEAP SEATS.






Friday was the date for the Shanker – Ehsaan – Loy concert and boy o boy did they kick the shit out of AR Rahman.
Better organised. Better Sung. Better choice of songs. Better Interaction. Better everything.



And thankfully without the blind-man glasses that Rahman seems to favour now-a-days. 

The show again started 1 ½ hours late but then the predominantly asian audience didn’t seem to mind much. Neither for that matter did me and my group. 

We had been upgraded to the VVIP hospitality viewing lounge where we sat at round banquet tables and where both food and alcohol flowed freely.
The bird’s eye view of the stage below was just an added bonus.

The very boisterous (is there any other type) Bengali family at the next table looked pretty well off but like with all humans and free offers they could not resist gulping the booze. 
To drink or sip would have been such a waste. Waste of time and free alcohol.
I was driving back to Dubai after the show so had to make do with sipping a solitary beer.

The rapidly inebriating Bong gentleman also noticed this and as we met at the buffet, he unhesitatingly suggested I drink faster.

Only we Asians don’t think it inappropriate to advise perfect strangers on their drinking habits.

“You will enjoy the show better” he laughed heartily obviously knowing more than I did.
“Where are you from?” he asked and before I could answer, took one look at me and decided for me “Must be north-east huh?”
“I have been to Assam,” he said with that certain pride that Bengalis take in their travels “Guwahati, Shillong, Mizoram”

I was bothered less by the fact that he had wrongly presumed my ancestry than that his Geography teacher in school had somehow migrated Shillong from Meghalaya and reduced the whole state of Mizoram into a city.

“Good people… Good people” he said approvingly between glugging the last dregs from his glass.
Boy” he beckoned the shocked Filipino waiter “1 more whiskey, Red Label and 1 beer for him” he nodded in my direction.

Obviously he had decided that I was now his friend.

He then glanced at my plate and tut-tutted his disapproval at the salad on display.
Prawns” he whispered conspiratorially and just incase I hadn’t gotten the message he shoved his plate in my face to show how to fit atleast 15 jumbo fried prawns on 1 plate. I looked down at the chafing dish and the 2 lonely prawns that remained and back at him with what I hoped was a look of disapproval.
He obviously took that as a plea and offered to offload a few prawns from his plate.
Politely as I could I refused his generosity, and as socially inappropriate as it was I didn’t feel annoyed.

A Bengali man offering to part with sea-food is not an everyday sight. Sharing Fish would be a rarity but the more exclusive ‘sea-food” is worthy of a miracle.

Though Christmas is round the corner, this I think was the miracle of Mr. Walker not Mr. Claus.

As we moved down the buffet I helped myself to some pulao and was again met with his disapproving look and it was when I reached for the palak paneer that he snapped.

“Don’t Waste” he hissed “there is Fish and Tandoori and Kababs down the line. Dinner later. Dinner later
Thank you” I managed to mutter before heading to my table.

Unlike the AR Rahman concert the 1 ½ late hours was filled with not silence but with local winners of a radio contest. And as they are wont to be, a few were good, most average and some others quite frankly bad. This included a compatriot of mine, who sang “Dil ka yeh kya raaz hai” from Bodyguard and hitting every stereotype accent of a Nepali he promptly pronounced Raaz as Raj and then tried to jazz up his bad singing with “Whazzzz up Abu Dhabi????”

“Your fellowman” roared the unmistakable voice from the table next to me who obviously hasn’t met a chinky he hasn’t liked.

“Come meet my family,” he boomed waving me over with what looked like the tail of a prawn.

Rather than risk some more noise from him I went over to say hello.

“This man is from Assamhe told his very alert family who were either bored with the guest singers or just very interested in me.

“We have been to Assamsaid his elderly mother.

Let me guess I thought to myself. Guwahati, Shillong, Mizoram.

“We like momos” his wife chirped in referring to the dumplings that are of Tibetan origin but now enjoyed universally.

Now we were leaving northeast state borders and entering international waters.

“Don’t be shy, don't be shy” she said, like I were a guest at her house. “Look, look” she encouragingly waved her cloudy looking glass at me.

Only Bengali women can order beer, have their husbands gulp half of it and then top it with Mirinda to make what is called a Shandy.

“This is same beer???” chided her shocked husband looking at my glass.

“Comeon fellow, you northeasters are good drinkers” said the man who was already 4 shots down.

Again I would have otherwise been annoyed but there was a faint sense of praise in his voice when he said that.

“Are you mixed??” he then asked without the slightest bit of embarrassment.
I presume he meant my genealogy and not my cocktail.

By now we had long crossed all socially appropriate boundaries for me to feel offended.

“Starting. Starting” screamed his 2 sons who somehow had managed to pour themselves a helping each of Coke, Sprite AND Mirinda.
If you are too young to drink alcohol, you must obviously make it up with soft drinks.

Thankfully SEL came on stage at that moment and I moved back to my table.

SEL know how concerts should be done. Fun, personal, interactive and with the right choice of songs.
In an interview the previous day, Ehsaan (ever the outspoken one) had commented that the VIP seats were boring people while the real fans were the ones in the cheap seats. However he must have been pleasantly surprised to see the VIP’s giving the cheap seats a run for their money as they stood up and danced along the aisles. 

The only complaint was that the huge screen on stage had very poor graphics. Infact with the wooshing swirls and spirals it looked like the screen of a Windows media player.
And yet when Shanker launched into Maa from Taare Zameen Par there was pin drop silence.

The wife with the shandy who had previously been jumping up and down was suitably mellow.

“O-Ho! What a lovely song” she sighed long before the song was even over and began looking for the ‘Boy’ to ask for another beer.

It was about 10.30pm and SEL then announced that there would be a 15 minute refreshment break.


As the people below us began to file out to buy their popcorns and beers the Bong came over to our table to say Hello.
In between introductions he signalled the ‘boy’ for another drink and then like an old friend patted me on my back and told my colleagues. “This boy doesn't know how to drink.”

If only he’d met me on a day when I wasn't driving, he’d have seen what we Neps are like with booze.

“I don’t understand this break” he told my amused table “they start late and then this break.”
“Those poor people” he clarified, dangerously waving his whiskey glass at the stands below “they have to take the bus home. This is too late.”

No one does snobbery like the Bongs!

The lights mercifully dimmed for the 2nd half and Shanker came on stage to introduce their next song.

“It’s a simple number from a small movie that you may have heard of” he deadpanned and as Loy played the famous opening notes, Shandy lady next door screamed “Kol Ho Na Ho” like she’d won the frickin lottery.
Incase we hadn’t heard his wife’s beer induced voice, the husband proudly looked all around himself and repeated “Kol Ho Na Ho. Kol Ho Na Ho

And in what must be a masterstroke of body language, he not only nodded his wife’s knowledge of trivia but also somehow managed to nod himself another drink from the ‘boy

They were unnaturally quiet over the next few songs and it may have been because they weren't aware of the numbers or the fact that they were now all stuffing themselves with ‘dinner’.

The closing song was Senorita from the recent release Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara and as the audience danced the end to a fantastic concert the whiskey-shandy drowned table got up to join in the revelry.

Different people dance in different steps but this whole family seemed coordinated and danced like like they were holding an imaginary round object in their hands and throwing it at the stage. Repeatedly.

Seeing that we obviously weren't doing the same the shandy-high wife hopped her way across to us and shouted over the music “Tamato, tamato

A few of my friends thought she was just a drunk woman rambling incoherently but I knew what she meant. It certainly wasn’t during this song in the movie but I knew the family were imagining the Tomatino festival in the film.

From a wonderful movie about self awakening and finding yourself, all that this family remembered was the Tomatina scene.

And from a wonderful concert with 3 artists at their peak, I am sure all they’ll remember next week will be the free drinks. 
And Prawns. 
LOTS OF PRAWN!

And maybe, a 'mixed' boy from the north-east who wasted all the free drinks.

But the music!!!   What music? 


That is for the cheap seats.