Tiger Woods

THE TIGER IS A CHEETAH

Dear Readers,

I have oft quoted from the wonderfully witty Andy Borowitz and this time too he’s come up with a crazily sharp observation (tongue-in-cheek ofcourse) about the seemingly unending list of women who claim to be his ‘hole-in-one’.

Sorry I couldn’t resist the last pun and if Tiger jokes/puns are what you are interested in, then I’ve included some at the bottom for your perverse pleasure.

Suddenly the William Blake poem he’d always been associated with seems to now have a different meaning…

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright
In The Forests Of The Night

Enjoy

Vish

Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington
Crowd Estimated at Over One Million
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.

Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.

Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Mr. Woods, said that she organized the march to demand benefits, such as health care and workmen's compensation, for the golfer's many girlfriends.

"We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings," she said. "We have demands and they must be met. Quickly. Huge."

According to Ms. Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Mr. Woods who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: "A new girlfriend of Tiger's holds a press conference every eleven seconds."

In a related story, David Letterman today cleared all the golf clubs out of his house.

And finally some Tiger Woods Jokes:

· The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

· What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

· Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

· Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

· Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

· What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

· Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

· Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

· Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

· The only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

· Q: What course gives Tiger the most trouble? A: Intercourse.

Most of the above come from amateur quipsters but the professionals are having a field day with Tiger's troubles, too. For example:

· Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."

· Conan O'Brien: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."