BULLETPROOF FARTS

HI,

Some of you may remember my previous posts about this Yemeni trader who was ( and still is actually) jailed in Dubai for trying to con people into buying, what he calls, a ‘bulletproof’ onyx.

The curious case has finally concluded with the highest court here confirming his 3 month imprisonment to be followed by deportation.

The sad thing is that the man still claims that the stone is bullet-proof but has had no chance to prove it. Several government bodies failed to confirm the Yemeni's claims because they lacked proper scientific methods or equipment to test whether the onyx stone was bulletproof or to decide its real value.

Again as I said earlier, why not just test it on the man himself?

If he survives, then the stone is priceless.... if not….. well, case closed.

Simple!


In other news, a Filipina housemaid has been jailed for pocketing money from the trousers of her sponsor when he was exercising at the gym.

The Dubai Court sentenced the housemaid, to 3 months in jail followed by deportation.

The maid pleaded guilty and confessed that she stole Dh200 but the Public Prosecution charged her with stealing Dh14,240 from her British sponsor, over a period of time. The sponsor said the maid began stealing money as soon as she arrived at the house.

If that is true then why he waited till the incident at the gym is what baffles me.

And frankly in which country can you be jailed/prosecuted for crimes allegedly committed in the past.

Did the fact that the accuser is a British national and the maid a poor Filipina, have anything to do with the verdict?

While on baffling news, today’s newspaper also reported a very curious incident. I reproduce it here, to the letter, because I cannot believe how vague and yet how alarming it is in this day & age of terrorist attacks.

Three held after Dubai nightclub attack:
Dubai: Another nightclub was the target of a suspected attack at the weekend. The club management confirmed that an incident took place at the Bur Dubai nightclub.

"We don't know how someone let something off in the club. One waitress fell down and was taken to hospital in an ambulance, but she is fine. We don't know the facts, because no-one saw what happened. Some people were coughing and others had itchy eyes," the management said.

Police sources said three Britons have been detained in connection with the incident, but they have denied the accusations. A police source said the substance was not tear gas and it has been sent to the forensic laboratory for tests.

Just some questions though.

1) How did they manage to capture/trap/collect the alleged substance which they say is “not tear gas” but which, I am presuming was still gaseous in nature?

2) Could someone just have farted really badly?

Till next time...

Ciao

V

TO FCUK OR NOT TO CHIK ?
That Is The Question!

POST RATED TG 18: (Readers OVER 18 needs teenager guidance when reading this post)

Statutory Warning: Some of you might find this post vulgar but its just in the way you look at it. Its all in the mind as some of the ads below amply demonstrate. But if you are uncomfortable with 4 letter words, please stop reading. NOW!

A friend of mine, Samir da, (actually a senior of mine from school) who works in Dubai, often calls me (and many others) Chicklet while addressing us.

There isn’t a hint of malice when he uses the word and as he will tell you......,

Isn’t Chicklet just a type of gum?

I am sure it is meant endearingly but I am guessing that it has its foundation in being politically correct.

In Nepali slang, the word chikné, is considered as crass, gutter-talk but it also has a very colloquial usage. Many people, especially around the same age group, often use it as a form of playful chiding. Infact it is used so often that sometimes the venom and crudeness is so removed that it almost becomes a term of endearment.

“Tyo pen kaha cha chikné?”

For all you non nepali readers, loosely translated Chik means Fuck and Chikné is Fucker.

And just like in English, apart from the fact that the sexual meaning of the word gives it a ‘bad’ connotation, the first word is just another verb and the latter just a noun. Period!

However in normal societies you cannot use the word freely especially when there is a chance that some elders might overhear and not be amused.

So Samirda, I guess, deciding to have his cake and eat it too in a sense, has suffixed the verb with the word ‘let’ to give it more social acceptance while still retaining that hint of insolence and audacity.

It doesn’t hurt that the term is maddeningly catchy.

Infact I have taken to using it so often that my office boy frequently pretends to have NOT heard it. Not because he is embarrassed by the term (he is not nepali so does not get the subtle hint of disrespect it has) but quite simply because he cannot be bothered to go out looking for some chewing gum that he feels I may want.

Anyway the term in Hindi has a completely different meaning.

Chikna means a clean-cut or a well shaven boy. Generally, a sweet, innocent, non-macho boy. Infact there are many film songs which proudly extol the virtues of having a chikna chehra. Ofcourse, when said movies play to Nepali audiences it is always met with loud guffaws and snickering. And why not? How can you not laugh at a song where you hear the heroine telling the hero that she likes his “fuck-face”.

By now you must be wondering what the point of this blog is and quite frankly I don’t know. As I have mentioned earlier its just some Random Musings of mine. Nothing Profound.

Just chill and enjoy.

By the way Samirda sometimes also uses a variation of the word and calls people Chikoo….. but then again, as he will helpfully point out......,

Isn’t Chikoo just another type of fruit??

To all you Chiku’s

Till next time and another pointless post

Ciao

Chicklet

TODAY'S NEWS

Was going through the papers again this morning and the quality of news here is just appalling….

Just last week I was talking to an old school mate of mine and we were both marveling at the discrepancy between the quality of newsprint and the editorial content. You get newspapers here, which weigh almost a kilo and yet hardly any news, leave alone informed commentary. If 2/thirds of the pages are filled with ad’s then the remaining is filled with absolute drivel.

Some vignettes from today’s paper.

* Man denies possessing stolen mobile phones: Nothing wrong with this news per-sé but almost a 250 word article?? Wow

* 40yr old arrested for kidnapping ex-girlfriend: An Italian in Rome (duh!) was arrested for kidnapping his ex from a pub and taking her home and forcing her to wash his clothes and the dishes. Couldn’t he just hire a maid.

* Police detain drunken Grandma: Police in Poland yesterday arrested a drunken woman 48 who was pushing her car while her intoxicated husband steered the vehicle with their 3yr old grandson on board.

* Restaurant serves dishwashing liquid: A restaurant in New Zealand was convicted of accidentally serving dishwashing liquid instead of wine. A customer and barmaid were both hospitalized after drinking the liquid which had been accidentally placed in a empty wine container. Again what I don’t get is how the 2 could drink enough dishwash without noticing to get hospitalized.

Meanwhile there is an excerpt of an interesting blog by an expat in Dubai who writes:

‘Last week in Arabic class, my teacher Mohamed Ali taught me an interesting new word.
“Eshaal” he said and asked me to guess what it meant hinting that Yousuf, our Arabic book’s protagonist, was going in and out of the bathroom holding his tummy.
“Diarrhoea?” I volunteered.
He shook his head, frowning.
“Constipation” he said. “The answer is Constipation.”
This time I frowned. Why in the world would Yousuf go in and out of the bathroom if he had constipation?
“What’s the word for Diarrhoea?” I asked
He didn’t reply. Just smiled.

Someone probably didn’t tell the poor guy that Arabic is read backwards. Maybe something to do with that.

On the opposite page was an article called “ASK THE VET” with the big question below “How do I treat my dog’s Diarrhoea?”

“Eshaal” I thought to myself chuckling… “Eshaal”

Till next time..

Ciao

Vish

UNICEF AD'S

UNICEF has come out with 3 wonderful and very innovative ad's.

Just thought i'd share them with you.

Have a wonderful day whereever you may be.

Love

Vish

THE KING IS OVER.... LONG LIVE THE KING


Their Majesties finally left Narayanhity palace for the last time yesterday evening ending almost 240 years of monarchy in Nepal.

After his first and final press conference, many commented on how well he spoke and how calm and serene he seemed in the midst of all this upheaval. The common refrain in the media was that he didn’t seem troubled at all.

And why should he be.

I am no fan of Gyanendra but I am a staunch Monarchist.

He was just a figurehead of the institution that is the MONARCHY and in the rushed decision of the Constituent Assembly, they have mightily confused the two.

The Economic, Cultural, Historic relevance of a Monarchy seems to be lost on all and what happens to Nepal in the coming years is what should be worrying for the Nepalese people not Gyanendra Shah. So its no wonder that he is not worried.

When the Shah of Iran was deposed people danced in the streets till they realized what they had gotten themselves into. Now many Nepalese are doing the same.

In His Majesty’s last words, "May Lord Pashupatinath look after us", because the Maoists don’t seem to care.

Addressing a public rally in the heart of Kathmandu last week, Maoist Party Chairman Pushpa Kamal Dahal declared, "We will no longer tolerate criticism as we have been elected by the people." In a tirade against Kantipur Publications he added, "They continuously criticised us before the CA elections, but now we have become the largest party."

Applause greeted Dahal as he advised journalists from other newspapers to think twice before writing anything against the Maoists.

Well Done. It takes either extreme courage or extreme ignorance to applaud your own downfall.

Below is a picture taken at the first sitting of the Constituent Assembly.

A sign of things to come perhaps.

At the CA's first session on 28 May, UML MP Kamala Sharma takes off her shoe to beat NC leader Purna Bahadur Khadka, who she holds responsible for the death of her husband Rishi Prasad Sharma during the election campaign. Khadka's bodyguards shot him.

SARKAR BASHING


Readers of my blog will know that I am not a fan of the Bachchans and this post unfortunately isn’t going to be any different. It also has movie spoilers so if you haven’t wathed it don’t read further. Not that it matters too much because no plot twist is ‘surprising’ in any way.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not totally biased. The performances of the Bachchan trio are pretty good. Amitabh the best followed by Junior and even Ash is adequate in a role that is quite frankly, pretty underdeveloped and very badly written.

The problem, as in all RGV films, is with the supporting cast. In any movie about Good and Bad the ‘Hero’ can only be as good as the ‘Villains’ and sadly in this movie they are all caricatures.

Not one of them is cast/played as anything more than a buffoon.

Hassan Qazi speaks about breaking eggs and making omelets like it were some profound philosophy.
The politician is portrayed as such a slob and dumbass that even by the Laloo-Mayawati standard, it is a wonder he even got elected as an MLA much less made a Deputy CM.
The other character keeps correcting people to pronounce his name as Vora not Vohra and if that were not irritating enough he sings songs before delivering bad dialogues.
Then there is the assassin who is apparently dumb and only communicates with gloved fingered gestures and who could have come straight from a D-grade flick.
And finally the Gandhian character is painted with such broad white strokes initially that you know he is going to be the surprise bad guy in the end.

Shot in extreme close ups the weird camera placement (under a table, behind a coffee mug, between fingers etc) is initially novel but 10 minutes into the movie the novelty quickly gives way to irritation. Amitabh gains from this and it is simply because his face is so emotive that in the extreme close up he can convey so much with just a flicker of a muscle. Ash is so pretty you cant go wrong wherever you place the camera. Abhishek unfortunately is not the best looking bloke in town and while his rugged charm may work in other movies his flabby face in extreme close up is quite disturbing. And quite frankly, male grooming debate aside, when the director begins placing the camera 2 inches from your face investing in some lip-balm is not a bad idea.

And as Raja Sen rightly pointed out, no one in this movie actually speaks. They just deliver dialogues. So much so that after a while you almost feel like Confucius and Khalil Gibran are locked in a room playing a game of one-upmanship. Tedious!

Now I have never been shot or even been near a shooting before but basic logic would dictate, I think, that when you are in the balcony being hit by sniper fire, you duck. Simple. Yet no one does so.

Ash’s role is so badly written that initially she is the fiercely independent business-woman who says she does not like the word impossible and yet throughout the movie she seems to have no problem being turned down and when AB Jr is getting hit by sniper fire, lover or no lover, the simple rules of self-preservation dictates that you run or hide or duck or whatever but definitely not what Ash does. She screams “Stop It, Stop It” like some churlish school teacher trying to control a boorish class. And for a CEO of a major international company she quite inexplicably becomes an almost full time resident at the Sarkar residence. Its no wonder her father did not trust her with his company.

There are some good scenes like the one where Father and Son are trying to come to grips with the killing of the elder son or the scene where the Rao fellow gets his comeuppance but they are too little to save this movie.

Finally in the penultimate scene, Sarkar is seen reflected in his dead son’s portrait talking to him about life and as he finishes his dialogue-bazi his face goes out of focus while Abhishek’s comes into focus and then you notice that for a character who is shown to be pretty straightforward and brash in life, his picture is a studio one, posed and airbrushed to perfection.

And like that picture, something about the movie is not quite right.

ASH-BASH

I have never been a fan of Ash's acting skills. Her best movie Hum Dil.. was at best average and dont even get me started on Devdas.

However the one skill/talent she always had was her ability to look va-va-voom. She could give any of the international stars a run for their money.

Her dress sense sometimes let her down but with a face so perfect who's looking down.

Anyway as many of you who enjoy tabloids, must have noticed, after her marriage (or tamasha depending on how you look at it) she became decidedly demure in her dressing. Always kurtas and sarees and even her trademark jeans-white shirt went missing.

But last week in Cannes she again showed what she can do with a beautiful dress.

Accompaning her were the following (see pics below)

- Her razor-challenged hubby Abhishek who held on to her like it were Kumbh and he was getting lost.

- Pa Amitabh in age-inappropriate glasses, finally understanding who the "star" of the family truely was. (check out his glum face)

- Ma Jaya who was inexplicably dressed in a green sack looking like some cold refugee. God i wish we knew who designed that monstrosity. What was she thinking? What is that dress? Why the overcoat thingy over it? and why oh why a scarf?

and last and definitely the least..

- The Family Pimp Amar Singh who was apparantly very upset that no-one apart from Ash was being mobbed by the Cannes papparazzi. Unfortunately he did not bother to ask what HE was doing at an international film fest. Knowing him he was probably ogling the girls.

Ash meanwhile was showing more skin than all the months after marriage put together.

Why the partiality towards India though? Isn't her cleavage good enough for the indians?

But then on second thoughts, seeing the brouhaha created with the IPL cheerleaders, its best she keep her cleavage well inside her kurta here.

Afterall, as the Indians like to believe, Choli ke Peeche is just a Dil.

Till next time and another pointless blog..

Ciao

Vish

The newspapers here are very informative and quite entertaining too.

I don’t know if its the lack of news or the Tabloidization of news but today’s paper has the following reports:

Passenger Jailed for Assaulting Ground Staff

A 40 yr old Kuwaiti passenger was fined AED 10,000 ($2750) and some jail time for beating and insulting a ground staff at the airport. When asked for his identification he “called him names, cursed his mother, country and the police” If that wasn’t enough he also “shoved his finger in the posterior of the staff”

A novel way to protest and I am sure all those who have been strip searched at any of the US airports are smiling even as they read this now.

Carrying on with the posterior.

Manager Says Staff Threatened Him

In other news “ an employee is being tried in court for tearing up his resignation and threatening to shove it up his boss’s rectum”. The employee vehemently denies this ever happened. Both Local Emiratis are sticking to their stories. The fracas happened when the younger guy was fired, upon which he began cursing and kicking and “then he tore up his resignation papers and said ‘where do you want me to shove it up – your mouth or rectum’ ”.

I am sure his choice of words was more colourful but since it is a family paper they edited it.

Again all of us who have had crazy bosses will remember many instances when we too felt the same sentiment.

Husband Dishonours Wife

A husband who dishonoured his wife failed to appear in court on Monday.
Records said the 35-year-old Jordanian husband maligned and belittled his 27-year-old Gulf national wife when he e-mailed her father and sister saying that ‘I kissed and committed adultery with her before we married'.

He also forwarded his father-in-law and sister-in-law two pictures of his wife in a nightgown and swimsuit and threatened to distribute her naked pictures among her relatives and friends and do the same thing among her father's,

A verdict will be heard soon.

Wow! Must have been really angry

Charity Accused Of Selling Babies

Dubai: Three young women of different nationalities are accusing the owner of the City of Hope shelter, Sharla Musabih, of selling their new-born babies to families in the UAE.

The women claim they were forced to give up their babies without compensation. Does it mean they would have done so with compensation?

Irina Guseynova, a 25-year-old Russian woman, arrived in the UAE through Sharjah airport on June 3, 2003, on a tourist visa.
She is currently being detained at Dubai Central Jail for staying illegally in the country after being arrested in Abu Dhabi. She told Gulf News that she came when she was only 20 to work as a prostitute with another Russian woman
"The moment I landed at the airport my boss seized my passport. I worked as a prostitute for a year just to pay back my boss the cost of bringing me here, and then I started to work on my own,"

Irina said. "Later I met an Emirati man from Fujairah. He told me we were married in the Muslim way, and I believed him," she said. (I wonder what was the "Muslim way"?)

She added when she was six months pregnant the man ran away, leaving her with no money, no food and expecting a child.

"An Uzbekistani human rights activist took me to Sharla. I stayed in her villa in Jumeirah from August 19, 2005 until November 9 when I gave birth to my baby boy at Al Oasis Hospital in Al Ain," she said.

Irina claimed Musabih promised to help her get her passport back and help her with a ticket home, but she did not do it.

"The day I went to Sharla an American woman married to an Emirati, identified as Linda, took me to Fujairah Hospital for a health check-up," she said.

Irina said during her stay Sharlah tried to convince her to give her baby to Linda, because Linda had no children and in return Irina would be given a ticket home.

"Sharlah threatened me with the police if I refused to give them my baby," she said. "On the day of the delivery an Ethiopian woman, identified as Zahra, took me to Al Ain and at 11pm on February 9, 2005, I gave birth to my baby boy, whom I have never seen," she said.

"I was not allowed to touch or to look at my baby. When we went back to Dubai from Al Ain the next day, Zahra held my baby in her arms and at Sharla's villa the baby was kept away from me in a hall. I tried to enter the hall to see the baby but Sharla did not allow me," she said.

Irina added she was scared and decided to escape that same day at midnight.

"After some time, while I was in Abu Dhabi staying with friends, I received a phone call on my mobile from Linda who asked me to go for a full medical check-up, but I did not go. A few days later Linda contacted me again, but I said I had no money."

"Linda was outraged and said she had paid Sharla a huge amount of money in return for my baby," Irina said.

Irina said she never received a single dirham from Sharla or from any one else in return for her baby. (My question is why didn't Linda pay this woman herself directly)

"I wanted to inform the police about Sharla, and that she had sold my baby without my knowledge. I was not able to do so because I am an illegal resident and I worked as prostitute, but now I am not afraid. I will report the issue to the police," Irina said.

Another woman, Narjis, 26, an Uzbekistani from Tashkent, entered the UAE on a tourist visa in 2003. She worked as a prostitute for a compatriot woman identified as Samira.

"Samira was my boss. She seized my passport the moment I landed here. I worked with her for three years. In 2006 I became pregnant and Samira, who is a good friend of Sharla, took me to the house in Jumeirah until delivery."

"My deal with Sharla and Samira was to give them the baby in return for my passport and for letting me work on my own," Narjis said.

She said in January 2006, while she was at Sharla's villa, she felt birth-pangs. "A number of women who used to work with Sharla took me to a nearby villa, because there was no time to take me to hospital. I gave birth to my baby girl at that villa. Samira and Sharla then handed me my passport and asked me to leave, which I did," Narjis said.

Narjis said she has been staying illegally since 2003 and wanted to go back to her country. "I need help to go back to my country," she said.

The third woman, from the Philippines, refused to reveal her real name. She said she had given birth to her baby boy in 2005, with the aid of Sharla, who sold her baby to an American woman of Mexican origin identified as Layla. The woman is a mother of five children and married to a Saudi man. They live in Dubai.

Gulf News tried several times to contact Musabih but with no reply. Surprised ?

Bon Jovi is performing in town tonight and as they would say:

Have A Nice Day

You can make a difference…




Forget the discos and the night clubs for one thursday and join us in changing lives…




See how little it takes to change a child’s life…





and while you’re at it, enjoy mouth watering delicacies, take part in fun games with your friends, jive to the music of our home grown band and let off some steam with the dj


Feeling lucky?



There are loads of prizes to be won!



You are guaranteed an entry to a raffle draw with your invitation passes



So what are you waiting for?



Come and join us in supporting



“The Mungpoo School Project”



by attending the gala dinner on

Thursday

29 May 2008,

7pm

Four Points Sheraton,

Burdubai,

Dubai- UAE




SURSUM CORDA

THE RIGHT TO CHOOSE. OR NOT!

Dear all,

Did you know about Section 49-O of the Indian Constitution?

Did you know that there is a system in our constitution, as per the 1969 act, in section "49-O" that a person can go to the polling booth, confirm his identity, get his finger marked, and convey the presiding election officer that he / she doesn't want to vote anyone !

Yes, such a feature is available, but obviously these seemingly notorious leaders have never disclosed it.

This is called "49-O".

But Why should you go and say "I VOTE NOBODY" ? ...

Because, in a ward, if a candidate wins, say by 123 votes, and that particular ward has received "49-O" votes more than 123, then that polling will be cancelled and will have to be re-polled.

Not only that, but the candidature of the contestants will be removed and they cannot contest the re-polling, since people had already expressed their decision on them. This would bring fear into parties and hence look for genuine candidates for their parties for election. This would change the way, of our whole political system.

Sometimes the best things in life are right under our noses. Or you will be saddled with 'leaders' like the one in the pic above