ONLY IN NEW YORK

HA HA, HE HE, HEY HEY, HO HO

I have mentioned many times over the last few years about this absolutely awesome website called "Overheard In New York" which lists random conversations overheard all around NY and submitted by fans of the site. Any one can submit and then the editors choose the best ones and post them on the site.

The conversations are hilarious alright but the ‘headlines’ that the editors at the site give it are sometimes even funnier (in red).

Enjoy and do remember to bookmark the site. On a depressing day there’s nothing better to perk you up than examples of fellow human beings spouting absolute nonsense.

Below are some of the choice ones from the last 3 weeks entries.

Enjoy & Luv

Vish

Eh, That Could Mean Anything.

Fat woman #1: Listen! I am telling you that that bitch stole my cat! I am absolutely positive that she mothafuckin' stole my cat!
Fat woman #2: Girl, she probably did, she's crazy. What made you so damn convinced that she did it?
Fat woman #1: Because I got a mothafuckin' text message from her sayin', "meow."

--Liquor Store, Brooklyn

...Like, One That Makes You Thin?

Woman: And she's dying from some disease.
Man: Well, is it a good disease?

--57th & 7th

That's Cold.

Younger pharmacy clerk: I'm cold.
Older pharmacy clerk: That's your problem.

--Duane Reade

How Kids Learn to Offer Bribes
Little boy, whispering to brother: That's a cop. He can arrest people.
(brother starts tickling little boy)
Little boy: Arrest him! Arrest him!
Cop: Sorry, kid. I'm off duty.

--5 Train

Supernanny Calls That "Time Out With Extreme Prejudice"

Dad to screaming kid: Stop screaming! Stop screaming! Do you want to go to time out?
Screaming kid to dad: It's too cold for time out!
Dad to screaming kid: Then we'll do it on the subway!
Screaming kid to dad: There's no time out on the subway!
Dad to screaming kid: There is if daddy leaves you on the train.

--42nd & 7th

Who Doesn't Love a Jazzhandjob?

Woman: You mean you didn't like having sex with her?
Man: Well, I mean, she was just too... jazzy afterwards.
Woman: Oh, I know. Don't worry, that's just how she is. I thought it was weird at first, too.
Man: Excuse me, when did you start fucking my girlfriends, you little whore?!

--Madison Square Garden

If I Could Read Minds, I Wouldn't Be Homeless, Ma'am

Hobo: Spare some change, ma'm?
Woman: Ugh, I don't have any change, I'm going to yoga. Why would I carry change if I'm going to yoga?

--The Strand

Romance in the times of Twilight.

Girl to boyfriend kissing her hand: Are you kissing my hand or wiping your nose?

--Central Park

Sit Your Ass Down, You Overcompliant Child

Mother to son, at semi-crowded subway: Where's Alliyah?
Son: I don't know, somewhere over there.
Mother: Alliyah!
(Alliyah walks over)
Mother: Where were you?
Alliyah: Over there.
Mother: Sitting down?
Alliyah: Yeah.
Mother: Then why'd you get up?
Alliyah: (shakes head and rolls eyes)

--F Train

How Was Your Martin Luther King Day, New York?

Nurse to Asian woman at free blood pressure screening: Ma'am, you need to get your high blood pressure checked out by a doctor.
Asian woman: No English.
Elderly black woman: I speak Chinese.
Nurse: Really?
Elderly black woman: Yeah. Ching-ching-ching!

--Harlem

Tiger Woods

THE TIGER IS A CHEETAH

Dear Readers,

I have oft quoted from the wonderfully witty Andy Borowitz and this time too he’s come up with a crazily sharp observation (tongue-in-cheek ofcourse) about the seemingly unending list of women who claim to be his ‘hole-in-one’.

Sorry I couldn’t resist the last pun and if Tiger jokes/puns are what you are interested in, then I’ve included some at the bottom for your perverse pleasure.

Suddenly the William Blake poem he’d always been associated with seems to now have a different meaning…

Tiger Tiger Burning Bright
In The Forests Of The Night

Enjoy

Vish

Mistresses of Tiger Woods March on Washington
Crowd Estimated at Over One Million
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In one of the largest mass demonstrations in recent history, over one million women claiming to have had sexual liaisons with Tiger Woods marched on Washington today.

Determined to show that they are a political force to be reckoned with, the coalition of nightclub hostesses, cocktail waitresses and lingerie models stopped traffic for hours as they marched to the Capitol.

Shandy Shanoyne, a 22-year-old thong publicist who had an on-again, off-again relationship with Mr. Woods, said that she organized the march to demand benefits, such as health care and workmen's compensation, for the golfer's many girlfriends.

"We are sick and tired of being told to take our names off our voicemail greetings," she said. "We have demands and they must be met. Quickly. Huge."

According to Ms. Shanoyne, the million or so mistresses of Mr. Woods who showed up at the march are just the tip of the iceberg: "A new girlfriend of Tiger's holds a press conference every eleven seconds."

In a related story, David Letterman today cleared all the golf clubs out of his house.

And finally some Tiger Woods Jokes:

· The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I can't remember," Elin said, "just put me down for a 5."

· What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal? They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian. (Of course, Elin is actually Swedish. But poetic license is allowed in jokes.)

· Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

· Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

· Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

· What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

· Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.

· Tiger has a new movie coming out. It's called Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.

· Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

· The only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

· Q: What course gives Tiger the most trouble? A: Intercourse.

Most of the above come from amateur quipsters but the professionals are having a field day with Tiger's troubles, too. For example:

· Stephen Colbert: "Tiger always gives 110 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 10 percent left over for his alleged mistress."

· Conan O'Brien: "One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express."